How I Changed My Mind

how i changed my mindmy every-other-issue column for Youthwork Magazine (UK) came out a few weeks back. this time around i wrote a bit about how i changed my mind on a leadership conviction. and the magazine illustrated it with this awesome cartoon of me changing my mind!

I had convinced myself that I was speaking the truth; and whether it was spoke “in love” or not, speaking the truth was the thing leaders were supposed to do. But the young woman in my office started crying, and something tipped sideways in my self-analysis.

This crying young woman was the third meeting in a single day, all in my office, where I had spoken “the truth” to someone, only to have them end up in tears. After the first of these meetings, I felt a rush a power—confident that I was doing what leaders do. After the second, my confidence waned a bit, and I had an inner-Scooby-Doo saying “Huh?” But that third meeting; well, it started me on a path of change.

I’d always been a leader who was willing to be vocal with my thoughts and opinions (I’m sure, much to the frustration of everyone in my life). On those spiritual gifts tests, I’d always scored a flat-lined zero in the area of mercy. And here’s the silly part: I was proud of that.

When I worked in a church going through a massive transition, I was asked to be on a transitional leadership team, and was taken under the wing of the two older pastors leading the process. They were both naturally gifted leaders, but had similarly convinced themselves of the strength of their weaknesses. In fact, I remember to this day the exact wording of the mentoring I received from the two of them in one meeting. They said, “Marko, your lack of mercy is the strength of your leadership.” Hey, that sounded good to me (embarrassing and stupid as it sounds to me today). And for the next few years, I steamrolled people left and right under the ruse of “strong biblical leadership.”

What a misguided idiot.

But that crying young woman loosened something in me. And through divine revelation or long overdue common sense (or some combo), I immediately knew I needed to change. But I had no idea how to make that happen (and, I was accustomed to “making” everything happen in my world).

I carefully selected two older men who I perceived as strong leaders, but also merciful, and asked them to mentor me in the areas of mercy and gentleness. At one of my first meetings with one of these guys, he stated the should-have-been-obvious: I couldn’t make myself have mercy; I could only ask God to give me mercy, and pursue a life of mercy. They other guy helped me understand something that became a framing idea for me: I’ll likely never score high in mercy on spiritual gifts tests; but I can still grow in mercy. This same kind of parallel plays out all over my life (I’ll never be perfect, but I’m still called to righteousness; I’ll never love perfectly, but I’m still called to be loving).

These two new understandings re-framed leadership and mercy for me, and put me on a multi-year quest of change. I met with these mentors; I read books on mercy (and the kind of leadership that was more Jesus-y than CEO-like); I journaled and prayed; and I asked friends to help me.

About two years later (yes, it took that long!), I received a great double-confirmation from God that I was making progress. In the span of one week, I had someone comment to me (who didn’t know of my quest) how gentle they thought I was. I could hardly believe someone would ever use that word to describe me. Then, a few days later, one of the administrative assistants of the church told me that the other admins had a nickname for me: the gentle steamroller. I laughed out loud when I heard this: yup, I still had that steamroller way about me at times; and I’m not even sure what a “gentle steamroller” would be. But I responded, “Hey, I’ll take that!” I thought it was the best compliment I’d received in a long time.

As I write this, it’s about 18 years later. I’m still a merciless jerk on a regular basis. I am still very capable of possessing the gentleness of a sledgehammer from time to time (and even of being momentarily proud of it!). But I can see change. I wish it were more immediate. The only thing that was immediate was my recognition of need for change. The process of change has been, and will continue to be, a long, slow journey of transformation.

How are you changing? Which of your rough edges need some Holy Spirit sandpaper?

FRIDAY NUGGET: 6 Growth Practices of Leaders

one of my coaching peeps asked recently for thoughts about growth practices of leaders. i did a little brainstorming while listening to others respond, and came up with this list (uncharacteristically, for me, all starting with the same letter!):

  • Rhythm — some refer to this as balance; but i’m not a big fan of balance. i think the issue, instead, is sustainability. great leaders pursue a rhythm of work and non-work that leads to sustainability.
  • Read — you know the saying, “Leaders are Readers.” read widely.
  • Risk — there is no growth without risk.
  • Renew — healthy leaders find meaningful pursuits that provide recalibration, refreshment and renewal.
  • Reflect — great leaders make intentional time to reflect. this requires a discipline of slowing down (at times).
  • Retreat — overlapping with some of the other practices on this list (particularly rhythm, renewal and reflection), growing leaders pull away for extended times on a regular basis. short bursts of renewal and reflection are great; but real growth also requires more extended retreat.

stop and consider which one of these you’re missing.

The Life Book and National Evangelism Week

thelifebook-book-coverhey youth workers: have you heard of The Life Book? it’s a nicely designed gospel of john with additional comments and interaction bits, aimed at teenagers. it’s designed as a simple, non-coercive ‘gift’ for teenagers to give out to their friends and classmates. and thanks to support from the Gideons, it’s completely free. in fact, more than 1.3 million teenagers have given out more than 19 million copies of The Life Book since 2010.

there are certainly a couple levels of benefit surrounding this. first, it gets the gospel of john into the hands of teenagers who would never step into your church or youth group. but it’s also a pretty cool discipleship step for christian teenagers, an onramp to having spiritual conversations with friends. this sort of verbal articulation of faith, we’re finding (most notably in mandy drury’s research on the importance of ‘testimony’ in adolescent faith formation) is critically important to developing a faith that last beyond youth group attendance.

i like the people at The Life Book also. they’re not weird. they’re good hearted, genuine people who really care about teenagers. so i feel good about telling you about them. we’re doing some stuff with them at our event, The Summit, this year also. and for those of you who order anything from The Youth Cartel store in august and september (and as long as our supply lasts), you’ll find you get a copy of The Life Book with your order.

so i’d totally encourage you to do a couple things:

  1. order copies of The Life Book for your group to give out.
  2. consider linking your distribution week with others during National Evangelism Week (NEW), september 20 – 26.

for more info, or to place an order, click here.

here’s some info straight from the peeps at The Life Book:

For National Evangelism Week:

  • We just made it up. Why? We thought it would be awesome if we all focused on both Evangelism and Prayer during the week of See You at the Pole.
  • Imagine one week focused on Evangelism and Prayer. September 20th- 26th, 2015
  • Make your request for Free Life Books by August 31st (that’s next monday!) to get them in time for this week.


  • What is The Life Book? The Life Book contains the Gospel of John (ESV) and includes interactive student comments and scripture helps for issues students face. Over 1.3
    Million students have handed out over 19 Million Life Books since 2010.
  • Can students give them out beyond National Evangelism Week? Yes. Feel free to request 2500 Free Life Books and have your students hand them out all throughout the
    school year. This is a great way to foster an evangelistic mindset in students. (Our experience recommends you request 25 Life Books per student in your youth group to
    hand out.)
  • Is it really free? Absolutely. No strings attached. We are wholly funded by The Gideons International.
  • Is this only for churches? Yes. We can only provide free Life Books to Church pastors and youth leaders.

how The Summit is shaping up

i had this idea swimming around in my head for a couple years, of a youth ministry event that was totally different and unique. i imagined it as TED for youth workers. i even looked into making it an official TEDx event, but discovered that TED doesn’t allow events with religious connections.

so, once adam joined me at The Youth Cartel, we decided to take a risk and try this thing. we tweaked a few things from the TED format, to make the event more ideal for the sort of learning we hoped would occur. and The Summit has been a win. two years in atlanta, and now in our second year in nashville.

we’ve always said The Summit is not a training event. there are other youth ministry events with that goal. the goal of this event is to spark your imagination and instigate new thinking. we want the presenters and their content to be fodder for the holy spirit to get your stirred up, out of ruts, and into dreaming new dreams for your youth ministry. (these aims, by the way, are why we pull a thematic thread through the event, and why we have 45-minute ‘digging deeper’ dialogues after each main session.)

summit-2015-theme-squarethis year we’re making what we think is an awesome tweak, based on our theme of Elephants. we’re going to address “three elephants in the room of youth ministry.” The Summit always develops in a very organic way, with me having tons of conversations with people, exploring our theme(s) and getting input. this year that’s especially true since we have a curator for each session. so, for now, here are the descriptions of the sessions, with info about where we are in the planning.

NOTE: today is the early bird registration deadline. if you register by tonight, you save $40 on the individual and group rates. we really hope you’ll join us in nashville on november 6 and 7.

Session 1 (Friday Evening)
Elephant: Immaturity and Transition in Youth Ministry
Curator: April Diaz
April, along with other presenters, will guide us in an exploration of the awkward topic of our collective immaturity. While misaligned values and unspoken expectations are normally the cause of conflict, we youth workers often seem to have difficulty seeing our own contribution to the problems. Not knowing how to deal with conflict, we too often move on, only to repeat the pattern. Together, let’s look at the plank in our own eye.
other confirmed presenters:

  • Jen DeJong — Transitioning Well
  • Danny Kwon — The Surprising Benefits of Staying a Long Time

other likely presentations:

  • Why We Lie to Ourselves
  • Celebrating Youthfulness Without Being Immature
  • Being Professional Without Becoming a Suit

Session 2 (Saturday Morning)
Elephant: Evangelism and Apologetics
Curator: Dan Kimball
In an increasingly post-Christian world, how do we talk about Jesus and the gospel with those outside our youth room? While the age of pluralism has caused some to simply stop talking about Jesus and the gospel, others charge forward with 1980s approaches. Honestly, the issues are complex; and many of us find it easier to avoid altogether. Dan Kimball, along with other presenters, will bring a variety of perspectives and ideas to this Elephant in our collective room.
other confirmed presenters:

  • Brock Morgan — Bringing the Good News Back to Evangelism
  • Daniel White Hodge — Baptized in Dirty Water: Evangelism in Post-Civil Rights Era

other likely presentations:

  • Good News or Bad? Interpreting Lifeway vs. Pew Research
  • Beyond Conversion Theology: Toward a Postmodern Apologetic
  • The Bono Effect: The Shift from Evangelism to Justice

Session 3 (Saturday Afternoon)
Elephant: Ministry to LBGT Teenagers
Curator: Ginny Olson
We’re not out to change your theology (in either direction!). But let’s be honest enough to admit that we are not wildly succeeding at responding to and including gay teenagers (and those questioning their sexuality). And most of us will be totally lost when we have a transgender teen sign up for summer camp or a mission trip. We promise you: the presenters in this session will not all agree with each other. But our hope is that we’ll all learn and think in the midst of the dialogue about this massive youth ministry Elephant.
other confirmed presenters:

  • Daniel Merk-Benitez — Helping Your Church Be Proactive with LGBT Issues
  • Mark Oestreicher — Helping Parents of LGBT Teenagers
  • Justin Lee — Creating Safe Places (title not final)
  • Gemma Dunning — Love The Saint: how to pastorally support, love and encourage LGBT teens

other likely presentations:

  • What I’ve Learned and What We’ve Changed

Session 4 (Saturday Late Afternoon/Early Evening)
Focus: Elephants as Formation Instigators
Presenter: Jon Huckins
This last session is a chance for us to worship together and wrap up the day with a broader perspective. Jon Huckins is an accomplished guide in the arena of peacemaking; but we’ve asked him to apply those insights to how we address the Elephants that exists in our churches.

oh, and…

Pre-Summit Sessions (3-hour learning experiences during the day on friday — included in your registration. note that these are not necessarily connected to the event theme)

  • Dave Sippel — Sustainable Youth Ministry
  • Jake Kircher — Helping Teenagers Own Their Faith
  • Mike King — Theological Imagination and Spiritual Practices Among Elephants and Sacred Cows
  • John Huckins — Arming Teenagers to Wage Peace

(more Pre-Summit Sessions will be added)

seriously — this thing is very much shaping up to be a barnstorming, powerful, revolutionary time together. i had the youth pastor at a very large church (a guy with more than 50 paid youth workers under him — a guy who normally gets paid to go speak at events) email me the other day, writing, “I’m planning on coming to The Summit this year. The topics and line-up look SO GOOD and important!”

photo in need of a caption

saw this on a friend’s facebook page the other day, and felt it was screaming out to me: “Marko! Make me a Photo in Need of a Caption!” and, so, i comply.

winner gets a copy of one of our upcoming Cartel product releases! (all pretty amazing, btw)

bring it!


(so many good ones this time, i had to be picky!)

Erik Day
Meanwhile…, youth pastors in Portland, OR ReThink the knitting and crochet lock-in

The wise men’s outfits didn’t do their wisdom justice

Seattle Youth Leader Network

“We’re Sgt. Hipster’s Lonely Jackass Band.
We hope you will enjoy the ennui.”

Jeremy Duncan
Shoes optional.

Dare 2 Share 2 Much

Jeremy Best
3 of them are dressed ironically. 1 is not. Guess which one.

Bob Morman
There is a law against this somewhere in Leviticus.

Toby Shope

Michelle Hutchinson
Listen, hobby lobby had a sale and one thing led to another.

Taylor Brown
VBS grows up

(i’ll make the final call tomorrow, friday)

and the winner is…

this was a tough call, as i thought about four of them were a tie. but, can’t have that many winners. so:

Toby Shope’s “Crochetmeless!” took me a few seconds to get, then totally cracked me up. you win, toby. i’ll contact you about your prize!

thanks for playing, everyone.

FRIDAY NUGGET: When I Was a Youth Pastor…

“My senior pastor was a YP 20 years ago, so…”

i hear a youth worker start a tale of frustration with this line (only the number of years changes) once a month, at the very least. 9 out of 10 times this is followed with a negative story that includes this line from the senior pastor: “When I was a youth pastor….”

some of you reading this are youth workers who will one day be a senior pastor.

let’s all stack hands on this: if we, one day, find ourselves out of direct youth ministry, but overseeing a youth worker, we will NOT be one who utters that phrase, unless it’s followed by “things were certainly different”

you might consider adding, “And you’re awesome.”

Hopecasting excerpt: Exile Island

I’m very excited to be kicking off a 5-week sermon series at my church this weekend, based on my book, Hopecasting. I’m preaching the opening weekend, and am looking forward to hearing how the senior pastor and youth pastor handle the other four weeks. As I started to prep, I remembered that I’ve had this excerpt from the book in my blog drafts for a long time. So I thought I’d get it up and out there! A funny little story from my own pre-teen years.

We all experience exile. And we all want Hope. So if I’m correct that Hope comes to us in exile, why does Hope seem so elusive?

When I was about ten years old, my family stopped by my dad’s office on our way to some sort of church gathering. I distinctly remember what I was wearing that day (brace yourself): white dress slacks, white shoes and a white belt, nicely accented with a maroon dress shirt. I was the perfect picture of a 1970s preteen, dressed to impress.

My dad’s office was in the middle of some woods, but there was a subdivision being built nearby; and what preteen boy can resist the pull of exploring a construction site? I had a friend with me that day, and we asked if we could explore while my parents did whatever it was they needed to do. My mom’s cautious approval came with a clear directive: “Only if you do not get dirty.”

Off we went, fully intending to keep the white pants white.

hopecasting.coverOn the construction worksite, we found a mostly-frozen-over mini-pond of awesomeness. A muddy area had apparently been partially flooded during the winter months, and was actively thawing on this springtime Detroit Sunday. There was a large ice island in the middle, with a bit of a causeway leading to it. Of course, I quickly found myself planting a stake (literally) in the ice island and claiming it for the motherland. Only then, amidst the revelry of conquering, did I notice that the causeway had disintegrated after I’d crossed to the island.

I panicked. Do I stay out here on this ice-island, maintaining the whiteness of my clothes and the purity of my intentions to behave as instructed? What other options were there? I didn’t want to be on the island. But both staying put and doing anything else seemed to only have tragic outcomes.

I felt a shift under my feet. At first, I thought the island might be breaking into pieces; but instead, the whole berg was slowly sinking under my weight. Brown, muddy water started flowing over the edges toward my outpost in the middle.

My friend was trying to help, I’m sure. But when he pushed a large, floating wooden door toward me and yelled, “Use this as a raft,” neither of us were thinking very clearly. Needless to say, I took a mud bath that day.

I was on that exilic island by my own doing (our exiles are sometimes, though not always, due to our own choices). But I quickly wanted out. In my panic, I jumped for a promise that couldn’t deliver.

When we’re in the midst of the pain of exile, Hope can seem impossible. We’re desperate, and therefore highly susceptible to the lies our culture tells us about how to extricate ourselves.

Really, since an influx of Hope is about opening ourselves up to the influx of God’s presence, the enemies of Hope are wolves in sheep’s clothing, encouraging us to retain control.

We humans have developed myriad ways of keeping God at arm’s length during our times of exile. We buy into these false solutions because we believe they’re less risky than completely opening up to a faithful confidence that God continues to author the story.

FRIDAY NUGGET: Financial Aid instead of Scholarships

probably a bit late in the summer for most of you to consider this idea for this year; but something you might want to store away for next year…

recently, at one of my Youth Ministry Coaching Program meetings, a youth pastor shared something brilliant:

We have had a real problem, for years, with students and families applying for ‘scholarships’ for trips. We kept getting families with plenty of money applying, and regularly had to encourage those without enough financial resources to apply (when they weren’t). We finally discovered it was all about terminology: families (both parents and teenagers) see ‘scholarships’ as something to earn based on merit, not need. So we changed the terminology to ‘financial aid’ (a very clear term paralleling colleges and universities), and found the issue cleared up immediately. The right people–those who needed help–had no problem requesting ‘financial aid,’ and those with more resources didn’t bother.

FRIDAY NUGGET: 3 characteristics of the best leaders

i was listening to one of my coaching groups share final reports they’d prepared, looking back at the last year of growth, and setting goals for the next year, and it struck me:

the very best leaders–those who are extremely high capacity, inspire people, and really get things done–have three characteristics:

  • confidence
  • focus
  • humility

without confidence, leaders are risk-averse, avoid conflict, and don’t have the self-knowledge needed for excellent leadership.

without focus, leaders can have great ideas and/or be good managers, but don’t possess either the ability to stay anchored in values, or the intellectual (and spiritual!) blinders needed to develop and evaluate ideas and initiatives.

without humility, otherwise good leaders disconnect from the people they’re supposed to lead and rely on themselves too much.

which of these three characteristics do you need to grow?