from the new yorker
in honor of my grandma bradley, whose kid’s table in the kitchen of her house in ann arbor, michigan, was always filled with yummy food, even if it was an annoying distance from the imagined conversation at the adult table in the dining room.
A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids’ Table
by simon rich
MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.
DAD: O.K.
GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.
DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.
UNCLE: I’m having sex right now.
DAD: We all are.
MOM: Let’s talk about which kid I like the best.
DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.
MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.
FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!
DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.
MOM: I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!
DAD: I’m angry, too! We’re angry at each other!
MOM: Now everything is fine.
DAD: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.
MOM: There was a big sex.
FRIEND FROM WORK: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!
(Everybody laughs.)
MOM: I had a lot of wine, and now I’m crazy!
GRANDFATHER: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?
ALL: Yes.
GRANDFATHER: Don’t tell the kids.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m having sex right now…lol
That is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. Thanks Marko. JM
Why is it that when I read the lines belonging to “Friend from Work” that I hear Steve Carrell’s voice?
hilarious! I’m laughing out loud, and my wife is wondering what’s so funny…Thanks for the mid-day laugh.
no wonder so many of us still sit at the kids table
. . . and I always thought they were talking about my brother and how he got in trouble, AGAIN, with the police.
Better than “I’m having sex right now.”:
“There was big sex.”
LOL
I loved the kids’ table growing up. We always had a ton of fun! I like Mdaele’s comment! The kid’s table is a great place to be.
Huh? I don’t get it. This is what the table still sounds like :-)
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