i’ve noticed something internal recently; something at times strange, and at other times beautiful. it has felt like a spiritual softening, or a spiritual awakening. the best words i can come up with to describe it are: i think jesus is slow-brewing a mini-revival in me.
it’s not that i’d lost my faith. not at all. but i do think i’ve spent many years intellectualizing my faith. and recently, i’ve been feeling my faith.
maybe it was the pace of the last decade (and, particularly, the last few years). i certainly believe, and have often publicly said, that busy-ness is the arch-enemy of intimacy with god. even though i’ve taken wonderful quarterly silent retreats for the last few years, there hasn’t been much emotional connection to what i believe to be true.
i’ll probably get slammed as being on a theological slippery slope for what i’m about to write, but… i’m re-finding god (or god is re-finding me) in experience. i need an experience of god to sustain, and possibly grow, my faith. knowing about god is good; understanding things about scripture is helpful. but i don’t experience god in knowledge and understanding. i experience god in worship, in serving, when i’m utilizing my gifts with an awareness that they are gifts, and when i feel.
some of this is likely due to the emotional work i’ve done this year (mostly in my coaching program with john townsend). i’ve stopped dishonoring my emotions (or, at least, i dishonor them less frequently). when, this past easter sunday, we were singing matt maher’s amazing song christ is risen (“christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death, come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave”), my heart and throat clenched. tears formed in my eyes. and it was almost impossible to keep singing the words i so wanted to sing. and this has been a recurring thing for me in the last 6 months — even growing in regularity.
certainly, the emotional rawness of my experiences last fall play into this also. but the uniqueness of this journey, i think, is not just that i’m feeling, but that i keep sensing — over and over again — god’s presence in the midst of those emotions.
and here’s where it goes way beyond psychology and emotions: all of these moments of experiencing god are growing my faith. i actually believe more. in those moments, and more and more often in-between those moments, i am aware of god’s realness, and of the loving gaze of jesus. this “more belief” thing is starting to infiltrate various arenas of my life, and i find myself meditating concurrent with whatever i’m busy doing; i find myself seeing god in others more; i find myself fueled in the work i have before me.
there’s an insecure part of me that is afraid of even naming this, like it’s a butterfly that i’ll never quite be able to hold onto, even though i’m enjoying its beauty for a few passing minutes. i realize that’s not logical. but none of this has much to do with logic. i don’t want this to be a phase, merely due to the emotional neediness of the last year. but i also realize that the suffering and neediness of this past year is part of the reason i’m here. it’s tempering my natural inclination to want comfort and ease.
a few weeks ago, in my church, someone sang a song i’d not heard before, by addison road. the words and tune and — something more… spirit? — washed over me and rang with a feeling of truth (it wasn’t a cognitive ascent to truth). the line, “what do i know of holy?” didn’t feel like a “what a loser i am, i’ll never get it” condemnation; it felt like an encouragement. somehow.
“what do i know of the holy?” by addison road
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life “its” name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
man, i feel ya. good to know i’m not the only one. i work in ministry too, and if i even mentioned any of that feeling beyond logic i’ve experienced in the past few weeks, i’d get interrogated and called naive. esp if i mentioned i feel God in moments that aren’t centered on what we define as ministry, church or typical worship.
i don’t want this to be a phase either. and i don’t want it to slip away because of the lure of an ‘input/output’ society that insists we be productive always.
Marko,
Thanks for sharing. Thanks for your vulnerability. I truly appreciate reading your blog and knowing that the things I am wondering, feeling, question, I am not alone in and it’s ok. I look forward to hearing what else you discover and experience your mini-revival. Praying that it amazes you.
Robb
marko…
((((hug))))
I miss you.
Marko,
I struggle as to what to say…except amen & to pray…”more Lord.”
wow! I’m so happy for you!! When all of the stuff at YS went down, I was praying for you and asking God to touch your heart. It sounds like God was preparing you for a place where you’d be ready to see Him again…experience Him again….and FIND Him again!! I am ecstatic for you and am so thankful for you. May you feel the presence of God even more as you continue to allowyourself to feel again. Man…. I’m smiling like crazy now!!!!
this is beautiful Marko–talk about crowns of beauty from ashes!
i have so been in this same place. after i went to seminary, i felt like i had lost some of my faith, which seemed a little weird, contradictory even. but when i put down all the books and allowed God to just simply speak to me again in the simple, it was just such a holy time for me. Praise God you’re feeling that yourself!
Marko,
I am praying for you. May God continue a new song in you!!!
Please don’t worry about being on a theology slipper slope. Just experience God in a new way as he restores your soul. Most revivals begin without any theological backing and what generally kills a good revival is Theology trying to define it. Just enjoy the experience of God working in you!!!
Blessings,
Ken
I’m going through the exact same thing. About a year ago, I left my comfortable ministry job because it was killing me spiritually. I felt like God was calling me out of it into the wilderness. It’s been frustrating, despairing, and beautiful all at the same time. God’s been both present, and seemingly absent. Throughout the last year, I feel like for the first time in my life, I’m beginning to actually know God in a personal sense. It was cool to read your experience because it was like reading my own thoughts of the last year. Glad to hear of your journey.
This is such an encouraging word for those who are in transition or who have been robbed of their joy in ministry. It recalls the inexplicable joy and obedience that called us to ministry in the first place. If rediscovering the joy of our first love is a slippery theological slope, then I want a new theology.
Thanks for such a meaningful and honest post, Marko!
Nice….
I feel you on this one. When you “think” about it… what stories in Scripture, what Biblical character that we strive to imitate did not experiencing God in the going… doing. What Theology was not shaped out of this? Strange that most of the moments that I cherish in Scripture (Abraham’s covenant, gentiles receiving faith) are messy and not by the book…. literally! most of those “heros” were not scribes? The phrase “the God of abraham, isaac and jacob” is amazing in its identification.
That this “slippery slope” you speak of is the path of darn near about everyone in Scripture! The Bible grounds me in God’s character but was purposed to take the place of the very narration of God in our lives? Maybe true biblical theology & faith is narrative… not systematic. Gnosticism for some reason simplifies my life but silences a big part of God’s voice.
The lyrics of the song are excellent. I will pray that your mini-revival goes maxi!
Hiya, Marko! Such an awesome post! I am rejoicing with you. I can relate, too, having endured a “dark night of the soul” after Tim and I “got off the buggy”– if you know what I’m sayin’. ;-)
Btw, Matt Maher rocks! Some of those lines are from the Paschal Troparion of the Eastern (“Byzantine”) Rite:
“Christ is risen from the dead, trampling down Death by death, and upon those in the tombs bestowing life!” (http://www.byzcath.org/)
Happy, happy revival, and God *bless* you guys!
Marko:
This is awesome to read… And glad you mentioned that learning is good still too.
I think both are important. It’s awesome when we learn about our faith and history and traditions. I think it helps deepen our faith. But all that is nothing if we do not feel God at work in our lives.
Faith is not about the knowing. Faith is believing. Community and learning from each other is important so as not to stray in the wrong direction or teach the wrong things… but if you don’t have faith – you have nothing.
M,
St. Ignatius had to ask for special dispensation from the Pope so that he didn’t have to say Mass everyday (a requirement of priests). Why? Because every time he got near Mass he uncontrollably started to cry. He was so overwhelmed by the grace of God who came into the world as Jesus Christ and continued to love him that he cried, even if he consciously tried not to. He literally was going blind from what he referred to as a particular kind of grace. We neither deserve nor expect grace in whatever form it comes. We take it in gratitude, tears and all.
well if you’re sliding theologically, I think I slid long ago my friend.
my pathway way beyond systematic (i think beyond is a fairer word because it doesn’t devalue the good stuff of it) was constantly asking the question “does my thought on God make sense in my experience of God?”
of and on are very different adverbs. one is so much more personal, because there is a sense of source and presence to it. and that question forces me into my experience of God (both individual and sanctus communio) more and more.
it has helped me to be present with God in the midst of my own sorrows and joys. but good to know i’m not alone at the bottom of the slope. and such a good good journey. you bless us with sharing it – i know that even from a distance, it’s beneficial how you express and encourage growth in this.
x blessings
Coming from a Wesleyan theological perspective, I don’t think “experience” puts you on a theological slippery slope. It’s essential to a fully integrated life! Good for you, Marko!
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