ohmygosh — being a massive 24 fan, and salivating my way through the first-half of the 4 hour premiere last night, this summary from dave barry made me laugh out loud:
FINALLY the football game is over. I hope everybody has visited the bathroom and is ready for some ACTION.
UPDATE: WE DON’T WANT THE SUBWAY POSTGAME SHOW. WE WANT JACK.
UPDATE: What the hell has Jimmy Johnson done to his hair?
UPDATE: Here we go. I pity the West Coast.
UPDATE: I hate the needle-to-the-heart part.
UPDATE: Jack is wearing a hard hat. They’ll NEVER penetrate that disguise!
UPDATE: The bastards shot former acting acting president Allstate Insurance Spokesperson!
UPDATE: They’re setting up a hard perimeter. That’s always good.
UPDATE: WHOA! Chloe has a boyfriend! He’s, like, 9, but still.
UPDATE: Frank’s hot new girlfriend does not seem quite so hot now that we get a good look at her. But she is a major upgrade from Audrey.
UPDATE: The new girlfriend’s surly teenage son looks alarmingly like Chloe.
UPDATE: Michelle is reminding Tony that they used to run scenarios. That is SO romantic.
UPDATE: They got Michelle! These people are dropping like flies.
UPDATE: Oral-B has a new toothbrush that looks genuinely scary.
UPDATE: Whoa. Edgar has not been skipping the Krispy Kremes.
UPDATE: NOW THEY’RE AFTER CHLOE. It’s like they want to wipe out everybody who had anything to do with the last season! And who can blame them?
UPDATE: New Girlfriend (NGF) to Jack: “I can’t thank you enough for all the work you’ve done around here.” Heheheheh.
UPDATE: Jack wants Chloe to go dark.
UPDATE: Jack got out his Secret Agent Kit! He’s baaaaaaccckk!
UPDATE: NOT AUDREY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
UPDATE: The first lady is not taking this well.
UPDATE: Jack has commenced hitting people.
UPDATE: Jack is taking the NGF’s surly teenage son (STS) in the helicopter. It’s a chance for them to bond.
UPDATE: The First Lady says she is, quote, “not making this up.”
UPDATE: Edgar is the size of a two-car garage.
UPDATE: They’re not at speed! I hate it when people are after me and I’m not at speed.
UPDATE: Hey, Jack is stabbing now. Is that new? He was always more of a shooter.
UPDATE: Do NOT mess with Chloe.
UPDATE: The guy actually believed Jack wouldn’t shoot him! Obviously he has never seen this show.
UPDATE: At this rate, by the end of the second hour there’s going to be nobody left alive in Southern California.
UPDATE: Celebrity skating? Where will it end? Celebrity welding? Celebrity eye surgery?
UPDATE: Why are they showing the highlights of the first hour, which we JUST WATCHED??
UPDATE: Edgar ran it through a high-res filter. That’s exactly how I would handle it.
UPDATE: Chloe’s going to get Jack a schematic.
UPDATE: “Jack would never murder his friends.”
UPDATE: Edgar is jealous.
UPDATE: President Manilow is SUCH a wienerhead.
UPDATE: They launch in less than an hour! (Who the hell are they?)
UPDATE: Jack’s girlfriend is thinking she should have kept dating the plumber.
UPDATE: Chloe is reading the agents’ transponders. She is some woman!
UPDATE: “Relax. He’s really good at this.”
UPDATE: Jack is booted up, and Chloe is uploading to him.
UPDATE: Jack is a smooth talker.
UPDATE: You rarely see that kind of cleavage on a first lady.
UPDATE: Edgar found out that Chloe’s logged in remotely! With an external socket!
UPDATE: HEY! ASSASSINATED FORMER PRESIDENT ALLSTATE INSURANCE SPOKESPERSON IS ALIVE AND DOING COMMERCIALS!
UPDATE: I don’t like the looks of the bald guy with the accent and the guns.
UPDATE: At some point, even the FBI is bound to notice all the unconscious agents lying around.
UPDATE: There’s, like, dozens of agents after Jack. They have NO chance.
UPDATE: The girlfriend’s on the 210 at the 10.
UPDATE: Chloe is a stand-up gal.
UPDATE: Jack really does care.
UPDATE: Somebody is messing with the first lady’s mind, such as it is.
UPDATE: Edgar says there’s chatter! They’re sourcing it! The reliability’s approaching 95 percent!
UPDATE: Eventually the bald guy is going to punch President Manilow out.
UPDATE: I see guys like that in the Miami Airport all the time.
UPDATE: You watch. The airlines will claim this is a weather delay.
UPDATE: OHMIGOD! THE WEASEL ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT! HE’S IN ON IT!
UPDATE: Looks like there will be shooting tomorrow night.
OK, everybody take a handful of powerful sedatives and try to get some sleep. We’ll recap tomorrow. You’ll be on your own tomorrow night, but I think you have shown, in the comments section, that you are completely out of your minds up to the task.
(ht to dave barry)