butt scan security technology

classic story a friend reminded me of yesterday…

my last church — lake avenue church, in pasadena, california — had a smallish underground parking garage with a gated entry. staff were issued ridiculously thick magnetic key cards, which, when held out your car window in front of a small flat panel just outside the gate, would open the gate.

i had a fairly-new-to-the-church-world youth ministry volunteer named mark; and once, mark and i were walking up to the church from somewhere and wanted to enter through the underground garage — but it was closed. as we were walking up, i realized for the first time that the small flat pannel that i waved my key card in front of was, when walking, right at hip level. i told mark (not thinking he would believe me) that we could get in, because the church was using new hi-tech butt scan technology, that they had a scan of my butt, and it would get us in. of course, he didn’t believe me and thought i was just being stupid. as we approached, i continued to weave the story: “we have quite a few professors from caltech in our congregation; and one of them has developed this new technology and asked the church to test it.” with that, i walked up to the flat panel and rubbed my butt against it (my key card was in my wallet, in the back pocket). the gate opened. mark stood with his jaw dropped, completely disoriented.

he believed the butt scan story for a few days, and kept talking to people about it (and was consistently met with ‘you are one strange dude’ stares).

13 thoughts on “butt scan security technology”

  1. I have had my “fall of the chair laughing” moment for the day, and am going to propose this the next time we’re updating security here in STL!

  2. Awesome story. Reminds me that I once told a student I went to school with CCM artist Natalie Grant (which I did) and that she totally wanted me. According to the story (lie) we were dating and I finally brushed her off with, “We gotta break up Natalie. I don’t think God wants us together.” He believed me… for about three days. Not quite as good as “butt scan” but I do what I can. :-)

  3. I make up crazy stuff like that all the time. When I was in high school, I was so sick of my sister watching Bug’s Life nonstop that I told her that VHS’s self destruct after watching them 50 times. I don’t think she ever watched it again.

    I do stuff like that as a leader on youth group mission trips,too. Kids come to me with whatever ails them like I’m their mother or something. A couple of them woke up one morning with black tongues (no doubt the after affects of drinking pepto before going to bed). I put on my stern doctor face and told one matter-of-factly that he had tapeworm and shouldn’t eat for the next 3 days to starve it. He believed me, I think, but said that he couldn’t make that kind of sacrifice and he’ll just have to live with it.

    I probably have more but I can’t think of any right now.

  4. That brings back funny memories. That was the thickest card I’d ever seen in my life. Yet, I remember when it was given to me. Sort of like the holy grail. The grail that you stuck in your butt.

Leave a Reply