while digging up my old (2006!) post of top 10 annoyances of living in a thomas kinkade custom home, i stumbled on two likewise old posts, based on a news article i read (alas, the link is dead, so i can’t point to it anymore) about a subdivision in development (again, in 2006) that was only for christians. yesterday, i reposted my list of the top 10 annoyances of living in this subdivision; and today, with tongue-firmly-planted-in-cheek, i give you…

the top 10 benefits of living in a christian subdivision

10. no political signs on lawns, since everyone votes the same.

9. the only homo here is homogeneity.

8. zero pressure to witness.

7. mormon and jehovah’s witness doorbell ringers are swallowed up by mysterious sidewalk-crack-of-turin.

6. one school for every home (because they’re right there in the homes!)

5. your best lawn now.

4. the potential of being featured in a michael moore documentary.

3. no lawnmowers waking you up on sunday mornings.

2. cool signs that say “caution! children being raptured!”

and #1: purpose-driven curbs.

while digging up my old (2006!) post of top 10 annoyances of living in a thomas kinkade custom home, i stumbled on two likewise old posts, based on a news article i read (alas, the link is dead, so i can’t point to it anymore) about a subdivision in development (again, in 2006) that was only for christians. tomorrow, i’ll repost my list of the top 10 benefits of living in this subdivision; and today, with tongue-firmly-planted-in-cheek, i give you…

the top 10 annoyances of living in a christian subdivision

10. constant presence of rainbow steals the wonder from your kids’ souls.

9. burning rage develops at the sheer quantity of fish on cars.

8. the idiots who live on ark street all stupidly think they have to have two pets.

7. mystery casseroles at hoa parties.

6. fines for not smiling.

5. fear of a michael moore documentary.

4. inability to identify the obviously rebellious teenager who keeps nailing stuffed animals on the cross in the park (though it’s probably that darn goth kid).

3. community movie nights are always “left behind” movie, with never-ending encouragement to “bring your unsaved friends!”.

2. no salt allowed.

and #1: nagging sense that this might just be hell.

yeah, you probably heard that self-described “painter of light” (i thought that was rembrandt, btw) thomas kinkade died a few weeks back. made me think of some old posts i wrote a LONG time ago, when i’d heard there were plans afoot to build thomas kinkade custom homes ($4 – $6 million!).

this is one of those lame posts that might not have made anyone else laugh, but totally humored me as i wrote it, and as i read it again now!

so, with respect to t.k., i give you…

TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS ABOUT LIVING IN A THOMAS KINKADE HOME
by marko

10. everything is fuzzy, all the time. please, some crispness.

9. lamp posts are fun on mainstreet disney, and quaint in parts of london, but get really old in your front yard.

8. constant flow of tourists who think jesus lives in your house.

7. those TBN tour busses are always stopping in front of the house, blocking the view of the faux covered bridge.

6. the animatronic ducks have to be reset everytime there’s a power outage.

5. village ccr’s require kinkade quote “in ‘lakeside manor’, first in my mansions in paradise series, i attempted to create a mansion truly worthy of a paradise, whether earthly or heavenly” printed on door mat.

4. requirement that all your coasters, tapestries, checks, tea cozies, mugs, throw pillows, bible covers and various other household items be “kinkade only”.

3. discovering that the stone bridge over your private stream is only styrofoam and won’t even hold the weight of your bichon frise.

2. third-world laborers claim rights to portions of your house in massive class-action lawsuit.

1. sleep becomes impossible with constant flow of yellowish light in every room. and the electricity bill? oof!

and a bonus…

0. rembrandt, the real painter of light, awakes from his deep slumber and is extremely ticked — begins sending you daily threatening emails.

yeah, let’s do this thing. time for a summer-y photo, man.

and how about a prize for the winner? yup. the best caption gets (ready for this?) a 20% discount for either the Middle School Ministry Campference, or The Summit, two of the events hosted by The Youth Cartel this fall. that’s kind of a big-deal prize (so i’m gonna have to say it’s ‘non-transferable’)!

whatcha got?

CONTENDERS

Lee Barnes
Eat mor fish…

Cindy Z
The day Sonshine Church decided to rethink “VBS Happy Trails.”
marko comment: fantastic!

jason
No, I swear I’m innocent! It was the other half! He was mooning people! You gotta believe me!!!

e. sutter
E! True Hollywood Story: Seabiscuit, Derby to Darkness
marko comment: that’s a good one

Scott Pittman
Why such the long face?

adam mclane
Lindsay Lohan arrest again.
marko comment: not eligible to win, but dang funny

Angie
what’s Sarah Jessica Parker doing at the beach?
marko comment: omg, that’s hilarious

Kevin Libick
War Horse 2: Shore Leave Gone Bad

pbj
the locals never have liked visitors from the valley

AND THE WINNER IS…

i narrowed it to two, and couldn’t make up my mind; so i’m giving out two awards! Cindy Z, for “The day Sonshine Church decided to rethink ‘VBS Happy Trails.’”, and Angie, for “what’s Sarah Jessica Parker doing at the beach?”

so completely different, but both so funny! Cindy Z and Angie — you both win a 20% discount for either the MSMC or The Summit. shoot me an email (marko@theyouthcartel.com).

later this week, my family is heading up to washington state for a nice vacation, mostly at a timeshare on lake chelan. but the reason we’re heading to WA is because some of our best family friends are there, a family we lived across the street from years ago in sierra madre, california. it’s one of those rare friendships where the adults all get along and the kids all get along (in fact, it was my kids’ idea that we vacation up there with these friends). but i have this one particular memory that popped to mind, that always makes me laugh. the husband of this family, when our kids were little, had to climb up to the top of a playplace tower at a burger king (with me laughing my butt off at him) to retrieve his crying son (who was very young at the time). it was one of those switchback things where he had to wiggle back and forth across and up about 5 or 6 levels to reach the top, then do the whole thing again to get back down. just fantastic.

so, this photo made me think of that.

and, i could easily see having done this at some point. but, that doesn’t mean we can’t mock this guy with a good solid round of “photo in need of a caption” hilarity! and, let’s do a prize this time. best caption wins a copy of brian berry’s excellent new book, As For Me and My (Crazy) House (the publisher sent me a couple copies, and i’m keeping one of ‘em!).

bring it!

CONTENDERS at the end of day 1:

lots of good ones, but these are the best of the best, so far, in my subjective opinion…

Patrick
Screwed!

jason
As Dr. Vaseline surveyed the situation his nephew Clancey had gotten himself into, he was struck with an idea…

Kevin I
The Extended Adolescence trap claims another victim.

Tim Falk
“Now repeat after me: I admit that I’m a sinner. I accept your son into my life. Please don’t let me go to hell, but let me live with you in heaven. Amen.”

ken macdonald
Now… open your eyes.

Jared
“Dude, we can still see you!”

kolby milton
The new youth pastor showing off his awesome skills.

Andrew Seely
As part of the rigorous sommelier training, joe was instructed to “be the cork”.

and the winner is…

andrew seely’s late entry was good. and i almost went with kevin i’s witty bit about extended adolescence (way to play to the judge). but in honor of manipulative youth ministries everywhere, i’m going with the very dark humor of tim falk’s forced lord’s prayer. shoot, it’s more cynical commentary than outright humor. but the judge likes that.

tim, shoot me an email (marko@theyouthcartel.com) to claim your prize!

a special treat this week in the “overheard” series…

in my 6th grade guys small group, we’re reading through luke and acts. after we read, benton (whom i call benetton to clearly differentiate him from the other ben) often asks if he can summarize or retell one of the stories. they’re always amazing, so i filmed this one.

this is ben retelling the story of stephen going before the sanhedrin, from acts 6:8 – 7:59:

in case you didn’t see this on my facebook a few days ago… after seeing a similar grouping of pics based on pastors, my buddy george baum (of the band lost and found) created one for priests (since he is also an episcopal priest). then, he sent me this… (fantastic!)

as you might imagine, the winter blizzard that was my post about nativities generated hundreds of additional nativity suggestions, both in blog comments, and via email. many i’d seen before. many were just ok. some were truly inspiring.

but this one, i just had to post for its creativity. sent to me by David Lober, the ‘arranger’ and photographer. the humor takes a few seconds to start setting in…

i haven’t posted a mcsweeney’s list in a long time. but this one caught my eye!

PHOBIAS OF THE MODERN TEEN

BY JILL BRONFMAN

- – - -
Intextophobia: the fear that you just sent a text to the wrong person.

Entextophobia: the fear that you may send a private text to everyone you know.

Zonotophobia: the fear that you cannot text because the wireless is down.

Juvenophobia: the fear that you will be the last of your friends who is allowed to text.

Mytextophobia: the fear that everyone will move on just as you figure out how to text.

Thumophobia: the fear that you will lose the ability to text in a freak kitchen accident.

Czechophobia: the fear that your text will be spell-checked so as to be unintelligible.

Fopahophobia: the fear that your text will be spell-checked with an embarrassing word substitution.

Bebacophobia: the fear that your text partner will never return from the restroom.

stumbled across this, and it cracked me up: