Category Archives: humor

photo in need of a caption

just saw this one and felled COMPELLED to turn it into a caption contest.

and, since The Youth Cartel has two new books out, i’ll award one or two of them to a winner or two (that would be The Picture Book Guide to Youth Ministry and The Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide for Teenagers).

so, whatcha got?

jesus cheesy beefy glory

CONTENDERS

some funny stuff this time around! but here’s the best of the best, from the subject perspective of my funny bone:

Eli Ruggles
Welcome to ‘Merica!
(marko: it had to be on there in some form, of course)

Jon Robinson
…and there we have it, the summation of the scriptures.

Josh Mitchell
In an act of marketing desperation, McDonald’s employs the never failing “Jesus Juke”

David Gerhardt
Best communion elements ever!

ken macdonald
The Last Supper, The Message version

Rob McIlvoy
Southern Eveagelism

Danny
Mississippi Priority List (in order)
(marko: apologies to my MS friends)

Mia Peters
Once agin McDonalds tries to draw the Chick-Fil-A crowd.
(marko: wow, that’s subtle and funny!)

and the winner is…

this one was a little easier for me than some of these caption contests, as there were two that i thought totally won it (again, in terms of my humor preferences!)

the runner up: mia peters, with her creative and wonderfully snarky “Once agin McDonalds tries to draw the Chick-Fil-A crowd.” poking fun at two fast food chains and all of evangelicalism in one short caption. that’s worth a prize! mia — you win a digital version of The Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide for Teenagers!

the winner:
ken macdonald (the last name almost fits!), for “The Last Supper, The Message version.” funny stuff, short and simple. ken, you win physical copies of both The Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide for Teenagers AND The Picture Book Guide to Youth Ministry!

thanks for playing, everyone!

photo in need of a caption (mock marko edition)

recently, adam shot a video of me teaching a bit of junior high ministry stuff for a uthmin online conference jeremy lee and coach shef are putting on. and when i watch the rough video, i just crackeded up at the completely dorky expression on my face in the final shot (when the video stops at the end).

i thought it would be a great chance for you to mock me with captions. in fact, i don’t imagine i will pick a winner who isn’t poking fun at me in some way.

sure, there will be prizes (probably a copy of one of The Youth Cartel’s new books!).

so: i lay myself before thee, and taunt you with, “is that all you’ve got?”

marko zoning out

CONTENDERS

not as many entries this time, but a high average quality!

here are the ones that made me crack up the most:

Stephen
Marko learns that Gillette want to be sponsors of the next Youth Cartel Summit.

nickole huffman
“Excuse me, Adam. My eyes are up HERE.”

Jeramy
Depends, I’m using them right now!

Brian Aaby
Staring contest begins in 3…2…1…

julieo
You are what you eat. I ate a sexy beast this morning. How about you?

Ken
releasing fart in 3…2…

WINNER, WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER

but the one of those that literally made me snort, followed by a single sound that was either a laugh or a bark, was Jeramy’s “Depends, I’m using them right now!”

part of that is because the old SNL “Oops! I Crapped My Pants” commercial is a family favorite.

but either way, jeramy wins! let me know what TYC book ya want, j-man!

marko

funny crowdbreaker

tongue twistermaybe you’ve heard this one before, but i hadn’t. i was in new zealand a couple weeks ago, and the emcees of a youth ministry event i was speaking at used this as a hilarious crowdbreaker in one of the sessions.

get about 5 or 8 teenagers up front

tell them they have to say a tongue-twister as fast as possible, five times, and that there will be a prize for the two or three who can say the whole thing without messing up at all.

the tongue-twister is: One smart fella and he felt smart

to say it five times, though, it becomes:

One smart fella and he felt smart
Two smart fellas and they felt smart
Three smart fellas and they felt smart
Four smart fellas and they felt smart
Five smart fellas and they felt smart

what inevitably happens is that many of them end up saying something like, “One fart smeller and… dang!”

when i saw this done, the entire crowd was cracking up. only one contestant got it right on the first try. so the other kept trying until there were three winners.

if you can get away with it, this would be pretty hilarious to do at a family event, using parents up front.

yup. wonderfully immature. and hilarious.

overheard at my 7th grade guys small group

IMG_3870i think this will be the last installment of “overheard at my 7th grade guys small group”! our group meets tonight for a final swim party, but then we take the summer off. hopefully i’ll be back with the new “overheard at my 8th grade guys small group” in the fall!

in the mean time, here’s some gems from a recent small group time:

7th grade guy: We didn’t have school today because the bathrooms aren’t working

7th grade guy: We need to have movie night!
another 7th grade guy, totally serious: Can we watch brokeback mountain?

7th grade guy: I learned to play the hardest song in the world on bass: you don’t know you’re beautiful by one direction.

first 7th grade guy: You had school testing on your birthday? That’s the worst birthday ever.
second 7th grade guy, mumbling to himself: I think dying of cancer on your birthday would be the worst birthday ever.

7th grade guy: My low was that I sharted in class yesterday.

7th grade guy: I’ll tell you how to make a great mustache. Step one: do you have a cork?

7th grade guy, after a bunch of them put their feet on the table: I had my feet on the table before it was cool.

7th grade guy: Denzel Washington, the best actor ever. So darn cool. So darn clever.

first 7th grade guy: He died of a flesh eating disease. I forget what it’s called.
second 7th grade guy: Necrophelia?

7th grade guy on why moms are awesome: she has to go through three minutes of agonizing pain to get you

7th grade guy: Have you ever noticed that the bears Elisha called out of the woods to maul the boys mauled 42 of them, and 42 is the answer to life, the universe and everything?

and remember: if you’re the kind of youth worker who actually likes middle schoolers, you need to join us at the 3rd annual middle school ministry campference!

ways to tell if the new student is an undercover cop (a mcsweeney’s list)

from mcsweeney’s lists:

WAYS TO TELL IF THE NEW STUDENT IS AN UNDERCOVER COP.

BY NATHAN PATTON

He keeps talking about his Phonebook profile.

He wears jeans that are neither skinny nor sagging.

He is very excited about the relationship between Conway West and Kim Cardigan.

He claims to smoke the finest hashtag.

He asks a stranger to take his selfie.

He tries to buy an instagram of cocaine.

He watches TV shows when they actually air.

He arms himself with aerosol cans, and wonders where the Huffington Post is.

He texts ROFL when he’s “running out for lunch”.

He still has a Myspace page.

overheard at my 7th grade guys small group

IMG_4111oh, yeah. how ’bout some choice quotes (all word-for-word true) from my 7th grade guys small group?

7th grade guy: my house is sold and gone
other 7th grade guy: you mean, it’s gone gone?

7th grade guy: my high this week is that my mom is going to get me hot pink spray paint to paint my crutches

7th grade guy: in school we’re reading “hear my cry”
other 7th grade guy: isn’t that about the ax and the tree?
third 7th grade guy: dude, that’s johnny appleseed

7th grade guy: we got a new trailer, and the wheels are bigger than my dad’s truck
other 7th grade guy: wait, bigger than the entire truck?

7th grade guy: i’ve learned from experience that i can soothe women

this last one takes a little set-up explanation:
we started using my old “Wild Truth Bible Lessons: Picture of God” curriculum for the remaining weeks of this school year. i was leading the guys in a lesson on how “God is a Listener.” those lessons all have embedded in them the idea that, since this attribute is part of god’s character, and we’re made in the image of god, we should be able to develop that characteristic also. in this sense, we were talking about how the guys could be better listeners. i had them pair up, and instructed person “a” in each pair to describe a recent family vacation while person “b” listened. as i was describing this, i thought to myself, “shoot, some of these guys have had amazing vacations, and some have never left their homes.” so i added, “it doesn’t hvae to be your last vacation — it can be any vacation.” i thought, “that still doesn’t do it.” so i added, “really, it doesn’t even have to be a real vacation — you can describe an imaginary vacation if you want!”

yeah, adjusting on the fly.

when i said “go,” my co-leader and i surprised them by instantly making ridiculous amounts of noise and acting in distracting ways. and we only gave them about 30 seconds for the task; so some of them never got to any story at all, speaking or listening. they were merely disoriented and trying to adjust.

but when i asked if any of the listeners could recount the vacation story of their partner, i got this:
he went on the journey of the epic of birth. he came out in an explosion of slime, like on nickelodeon

photo in need of a caption

ok, i’ve been a good boy and posted a bunch of meatier blog content in the last two weeks. so it’s time for some frivolity.

with spring strongly present here in san diego, and my friends in other parts of the country still dealing with late spring snow storms, let’s go with this little fella.

best caption gets a download of The Youth Cartel resource of your choice!

standing cat

CONTENDERS

many others made me smile; but these are the official runners-up:

Eric A
Even now, as an adult with a family of his own, Morris still looks for his lost mittens…

Todd Tolson
The snow is always whiter on the other side…

e. sutter
The Cat replied:
“when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.”

Andrew White
Having mastered standing on his hind legs mittens was now preparing to write his name in the snow for the very first time.

and the winner is…
tough call, but i like that todd didn’t even reference the stupid cat. so i’m calling Todd Tolson the winner, for “The snow is always whiter on the other side…”

Todd, you win a download of The Youth Cartel product of your choice! email me.

Plagues of Egypt That Did Not Make The God of Abraham’s Final Cut (a mcsweeney’s list)

love me some mcsweeney’s lists. this one totally brought audible chortling noises from me whilst reading it.

PLAGUES OF EGYPT THAT DID NOT MAKE THE GOD OF ABRAHAM’S FINAL CUT.

BY DAVID BAILEY

i plague you- – - -
Plague of athlete’s foot.

Plague of Band-Aids in everyone’s salad.

Plague of leaky pens in shirt pockets.

Plague of in-laws coming into town and staying the whole weekend.

Plague of mariachi bands in every restaurant.

Plague of dry heat, why’s it so dry lately?

Plague of no good place to get a decent cup of coffee around here.

Plague of recurring dreams of being naked in front of the whole class.

Plague of Pharaoh sex scandal that everybody just can’t stop talking about.

Plague of heart burn even after a light lunch.

Plague of teenagers.

Plague of nobody can find their keys.

Plague of three days and nights of goats screaming like people in unison.

Plague of peanut allergy of the second-born child.

Plague of anachronisms.

Plague of sudden indifference towards cats.

Plague of fear of public speaking.

Plague of picking at that scab even though the Egyptians know they shouldn’t.

Plague of eye twitch that won’t seem to go away.

Plague of inappropriate advances.

Plague of wildcard, all the people of Egypt get a different plague upon this day.

photo in need of a caption (winter sports edition!)

happy day! it’s a winter sports (of sorts) edition of photo in need of a caption.

winner gets a download of Stations of the Cross, by Steve Case, a new curriculum resource from The Youth Cartel releasing in a couple weeks!

CONTENDERS!

lots of funny ones this time; but here are my completely subjective top contenders…

RevBT
“The last time Johnny misses the bus for school.”

Mark Ordus
Speaking of segues…

othy
Pastor Johnson was regretting the board’s decision to sell the church van and go with something cheaper.

Dale
Next time on “Ice Road Segways”…

James Brown
Instead of riding on dad’s shoulders, “Captain Poopy Pants” was relegated to a long and embarrassing sled ride home.

Jason
The research and development team from The Youth Cartel hard at work on “Game Idea Book: Wisconsin Edition”

Scott
Dad, stop crop dusting!

dustin
Eat your heart out chimpanzee. I have my own Segway now.

Kirk Moore
Sledway

JF
Fargo residents Jerry & Timmy Lundegaard celebrate the first day of summer

and the winner is…

i’m speaking at a great youth event in tupelo, mississippi this weekend. 1300 teenagers from 18 churches in tupelo. really cool how the churches work together on this event. anyhow, there’s a great worship band of guys from nashville, and i’ve enjoyed getting to know them and work with them. i asked them to vote on the winner, and they were unanimous. and i agree with their choice.

the winner is Mark Ordus’s creative and witty “Speaking of segues…” brilliant.

mark: you get a downloadable copy of the new curriculum resource from The Youth Cartel, Stations of the Cross. it’s set to release in early february, in time for use during lent. congrats!