one of my fondest memories of teaching middle schoolers was the annual “film festival” we ran with our small groups at one of my churches. each small group would have a month to make a film, based on list of suggested bible stories. they could tell the story faithfully, modernize it, or pull out some point and base the film around that. then, we’d have an awards night where we’d screen them all and give out massive quantities of awards.

so often, we think middle schoolers are only capable of “receiving” when it comes to teaching. but the learning goes up exponentially when they’re actually involved.

take this example:

our middle school ministry at my church is doing on a series on old testament prophets during our sunday morning teaching time. each of the small groups was invited (though it was optional) to take a week and do with it whatever they wanted. my small group of 6th grade guys took a week; but it’s lucky i have an awesome co-leader who steered that boat, since i was out of town.

i’m more familiar with what the 8th grade guys group did, because my son max is in that group. max’s group taught on Amos. and i can tell you this: as a result, max knows more, and will remember more, about amos than he does about any other old testament prophet.

the guys studied the book together, pulled out themes, narrowed it to one (living what you believe), and parsed out various teaching bits. max taught for about 5 minutes in the “so what?” section of the lesson, sharing a personal story, and pointing out the main theme, as well as providing some suggestions for how others might apply it. he came to me the day before he taught, asking if he could practice in front of me and get my suggestions. i only had one minor suggestion, and he incorporated it really well.

not all the guys were up front. but they were all involved in front of or behind the camera in a video they made (thanks to the expert leadership of their small group leader, ian robertson, who used to be the video guy at YS, and is still a professional videographer, and also the husband of our middle school pastor). in the video — The Ghost of Amos — max plays amos. yup. that’s my boy.

i’ve posted about teenage brains more than once. there’s been an good amount of research on teenage brains in the past decade, thanks to the MRI. there’s also been an explosion of more popular articles that infer teenagers are the way they are because of their brains, and we shouldn’t expect them to… (make good decisions, exhibit wisdom, control impulses, set priorities, act responsibly, or any other of a long list of adult-like behaviors).

this has really started to tick me off.

but two articles in the last few months (neither is new) have pushed back a bit:

this article in the huffington post, called “the teenager brain: debunking the 5 biggest myths“.

and, a fascinating article that many of you have probably already seen, published in national geographic, suggesting an alternative (evolutionary) possibility of why teenage brains are weak in certain controls and functions.

the article mentions some of the unhelpful conclusions being drawn by others:

They act that way because their brains aren’t done! You can see it right there in the scans!

This view, as titles from the explosion of scientific papers and popular articles about the “teen brain” put it, presents adolescents as “works in progress” whose “immature brains” lead some to question whether they are in a state “akin to mental retardation.”

but it goes on to suggest an alternate view:

B. J. Casey, a neuroscientist at Weill Cornell Medical College who has spent nearly a decade applying brain and genetic studies to our understanding of adolescence, puts it, “We’re so used to seeing adolescence as a problem. But the more we learn about what really makes this period unique, the more adolescence starts to seem like a highly functional, even adaptive period. It’s exactly what you’d need to do the things you have to do then.”

here’s what rubs me (and i’m borrowing this from dr. robert epstein): there’s a not-so-subtle discrimination against teenagers, MASSIVELY feeding extended adolescence, in this age-old discriminatory equation –

presence of a particular physical characteristic
alongside, the presence of a real or assumed set of behavioral realities (or biases)
means, the first results in the second

let me remind of a few places we’ve seen this before:

1. women’s brains are smaller, on average, then men’s. for centuries we were sure that women did not have the intelligence for business, voting, public office, and a variety of other intelligent functions. the smaller size of women’s brains were PROOF!
2. jews and people of african decent were said to have certain character traits (or lack certain character traits) due to physiology (surely, you’ve all seen the nazi drawings of a typical jewish face and head, with an explanation as to how it explains the stereotype).

i think we’re seeing the same equation play out in terms of teenagers today.

the assumption is (and it’s a BIG leap in logic): teenage brains prove what we’ve always assumed, that teenagers are incapable of wisdom, good decisions, and responsibility. the obvious (!) next step is: we should treat teenagers like children (infantilization) and remove all responsibility, keeping them “safe.”

PISHAH!

youth workers, don’t tollerate this faulty logic. don’t tollerate this discrimination. let’s be counter-cultural on this stuff — let’s INCREASE responsibility and opportunities for wisdom and choices and prioritization and impulse control.

instead of discriminating against teenagers, let’s give them opportunities to be the apprentice adults they have the full capacity to be.

hey, i have an idea: how about i run a big ol’ blog contest where the winner gets a FREE copy of my brand-new book, A Beautiful Mess: What’s Right About Youth Ministry?

but, here’s the catch: you don’t have to do anything, you don’t have to enter, and everyone’s a winner!

i am quite pleased that the creative minds at simply youth ministry suggested we give away my book for two weeks (the downloadable versions). after these two weeks, it’ll cost you a few bucks, and you can also order a physical copy if you want. but for now, you can FREELY download a packet with a pdf, a .epub file for ipad, and a .mobi file for kindle.

how much does that rock? well, quite a bit of rockage, thank you very much.

here’s the skinny on the book: i was starting to sense a weariness in the youth workers i connect with, due to the barrage of “bad news” coming from people like me, as well as the research and books that have been telling us, in a sense, that we’re failing at our calling. i was stirred by a poignant moment i had at an event last year, where i felt i was complicating things, and stopped to try to encourage the good and faithful youth workers in that room (read that experience here, which shows up in the book also).

so, when SYM was asking me for book ideas, i suggested i write something about what’s going well in youth ministry.

at one point the book was called The Glass Half-Full — and that’s really the point of it. sure, there are some problems in youth ministry, and we can’t stick our heads in the sand. but there’s also lots of really wonderful stuff happening in churches all over the place. AND, the subtle notion that fixing what’s broken is completely within our power is, honestly, a bit arrogant and messiah-like.

so, that was the nexus of this baby. it’s not long — a quick read at about 10,000 words. easy, peasy.

here’s the back cover copy someone at SYM created (which summarizes the book very well):

When you think about the state of youth ministry today, are you an optimist or a pessimist? Do you cheer or fear? Is the glass half full or half empty? In this honest, frank, blunt examination, veteran youth worker Mark Oestreicher offers a fresh perspective on what’s working in youth ministry today—and discovers that perhaps things aren’t as broken as some of us might have thought.

Theologically and anecdotally, we can uncover plenty of encouraging signs in the realm of youth ministry, according to Oestreicher, whose youth ministry experience includes time as an in-the-trenches youth worker and as a publisher of youth ministry books and resources. A Beautiful Mess features insights on the issues and opportunities facing youth workers, including the trend toward longevity in ministry, the power of smaller churches, the work of the Holy Spirit, the rewards of authentic relational ministry, the need for integration instead of isolation, and the centrality of faith and humility.

This book will help you experience the freedom of your calling, rather than the stress of expectations. You’ll discover an abundance of reasons to remain optimistic, intentional, and faithful as you engage in the lives of today’s teenagers.

so, get to it. download your free copy here!

last year, in my first nashville cohort of the youth ministry coaching program, i had a participant who was a little bit of an anomaly. he wasn’t a youth pastor (as most YMCPers are). instead, he was a ministry minded guy who happened to work for a short-term missions organization, trying to connect with youth workers. he boss paid for him to participate in YMCP for a combination of personal growth, and to get a better sense of the real needs of real youth pastors.

i hope we accomplished the 2nd of those goals. i know we saw the first one take place.

jeff goins is a gifted a brilliant leader, writer, and ministry mind. so i was thrilled to fantastic post on the value of coaching (really not about YMCP, but — c’mon — by inference, it is!)

—————–

Why You Need a Personal Coaching Program

We weren’t meant to do life alone. Without a good team — and a good coach — we’re left with little direction or guidance.

Many of us have believed the lie of the self-made man or woman. But in order for us to become our best selves, we need a quality support network to challenge, affirm, and empower us.

I just finished up my year of being a part of the Youth Ministry Coaching Program (YMCP). Although I’m not a vocational youth minister, Mark Oestreicher was kind enough to allow me to be a part of his cohort.

It was the best professional and personal development decision I’ve made in a long time. Maybe ever.

I thought I’d sit in a lot of long meetings that would be informative, but relatively boring. I should’ve known better.

I was blown away by times of teaching, prayer, and personal sharing. I connected with the other ten members of this group in ways that I’ve seldom done with other groups.

I made lifelong friends. I was encouraged to pursue my dreams and walk more confidently in my identity. Oh, and I learned a few cool things about youth culture and ministry.

Everyone should pursue some kind of professional coaching program. Here’s why:

Good coaching challenges you

This group called me out when I was wrong or asked more of me when they knew I was holding back.

I learned that I can be arrogant and dismissive from this group. I learned that I still need to grow in my inner life and that while I know a thing or two, I don’t know everything.

I was challenged to be humble, open, and honest with others who are different from me.

Good coaching affirms you

The first time we met, someone asked me what my dream was.

“I guess it’s to be a writer,” I said, questioning myself.

“That’s ridiculous,” someone said. “You already are a writer.”

I’m not a big sports guy. I was on the golf team in high school for a year and was in a lot of spelling bees. That’s the extent of athletic, competitive involvement.

When I did do anything remotely athletic, I sensed that the coach was embarrassed by me. In fact, he occasionally would say so. It made me never want to try. So I didn’t.

In this group, conversely, I learned to believe things about myself that were already true. And I started living into them. This blog is a direct result of my involvement in the YMCP. There’s no other way around it.

That’s what good coaching does.

Good coaching empowers you

Perhaps my favorite part about this group was the “confession” time.

Now, this is not what you may be thinking. Clear your mind of images of sitting in a dark cathedral confessing your sins to a disinterested priest.

Every time we met, we would circle up our chairs, look each other in the eyes, and whoever had something they wanted to talk about, they would share.

We shared triumphs and disasters in our lives. Sometimes, we gave each other advice. Other times, we shared a moment of silence together. Deep dark secrets were divulged, and beautiful healing happened.

This kind of openness allowed us to feel safe enough to begin making important changes in our lives. As a result, we did things we never would have dreamed of this year.

That’s what a good coaching group does. They help you do your job better by first changing you. I love how we did it — collaboratively and in community. It was powerful.

Your turn

If you can find something like the coaching program I did in your own town (or even if you have to travel far to find one), I heartily recommend doing it. It’s well worth any investment of time or money you spend.

————

btw: jeff has written a few excellent ebooks (and his first — also excellent — traditionally published book coming soon). his latest ebook, which i’m not sure would have become a reality were it not for YMCP, is a fantastic charge and practical steps for would-be writers, called “You Are a Writer: So Start Acting Like One.”

What do you regret in ministry?

I regret my years of acting with a complete lack of mercy, because I immaturely believed truth trumped mercy, and that God not spiritually gifting me with mercy was license to steamroll and brutalize all in the name “being honest”.

I regret my years and years of arrogance, particularly in my early years at Youth Specialties, where my sense that I was so special seduced me into cold-heartedness and dismissiveness with the very youth workers I was called to serve.

I regret every time I have gone on the warpath, calling out someone’s sinfulness or stubbornness or plain ol’ wrongness, only to find out that I had only heard half of the story. Particularly, even though it was years ago now, I regret calling a woman out on my blog (so stupid of me!), hurting her deeply, inaccurate in my assumptions about reality.

I regret rolling over and being the lap dog when my supervisor required me to lay off another employee who, while flawed like the rest of us, deserved better. And I regret that, in my soul numbness during those days, I didn’t do enough to truly celebrate or honor him.

I regret (ooh, this one is difficult to admit) all those times I subtly flirted with girls in my youth group, or played favorites with the teenagers I liked more (the ones who made me feel good about myself), or said something funny-but-hurtful to a teenager in order to get a laugh from others, or undermined parents, or made ministry all about me.

Argh. Really, I tend to be a chipper optimist who doesn’t live with much regret. But knowing I was going to write this post about regret, I thought it would be healthy to give a little heart and keyboard space to some ministry regrets. Those five paragraphs are what came out. Ack. Now I need a stiff drink, thank you very much.

Last year, I preached at my church on the subject of regret. Of course, the reality is: we all experience regret. Even God experiences regret (see Genesis 6:5-6). And since regret is a common experience, it makes sense that all of us youth workers will also have regrets about actions and inactions in our ministry lives.

There’s a funny tension here. Simply dismissing regret, which seems to be the pop-psychology soup du jour, is merely narcissism with a happy face. And it’s not, ultimately, helpful. Yet, being shackled by our regrets is a top goal of the evil one, since it’s the polar opposite of the life of freedom God made us for, and Christ saves us to.

So what should we do with our regrets?

First, I have to name them, with brutal honesty, and grieve the loss or hurt or pain or compromise they created. This is confessional stuff, and often requires asking for forgiveness. Paul writes, in 2 Corinthians 7, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret.” Ah, yes, confession and repentance lead to freedom.

But there’s often a mess to clean up, the natural consequences of our actions or inactions. Sweeping those under the proverbial rug causes the regrets to linger around, often for years. Don’t confuse this for penance; but the freedom lovingly given us by a God who could have designed things otherwise has a necessary antecedent: consequences.

Finally, the failures of action or inaction that lead us to regret provide us – with the right mindset – the best learning lab in life. Maybe you’re not like me; but I learn exponentially more from my failures than I do from my victories. Of course, this requires a choice on my part, to turn over the rock in my soul and stare at the scary, squiggly things that live there. If I can face these nasties, I have an opportunity to learn. And with the help of the Holy Spirit, I put myself in the stream of transformation.

God doesn’t want me to live a life of regret. But I can’t pretend they don’t exist. I have to face them square on, and push into and through them, to the freedom offered on the other side.

i continue to be encouraged by the response to Understanding Your Young Teen. in fact, i’ve had quite a few youth workers buy bulk orders for parents in their churches, which is totally cool.

dan istvanik (a.k.a. “jh uth guy”) wrote a nice review for youthworker journal, and posted it on his blog also. here’s what he wrote:

There is finally a book that you can feel comfortable handing to the Middle School/Jr. High parent sitting in your office! Understanding Your Young Teen by Mark Oestreicher (*Marko, to most of us in the youth ministry world) is a concise and thorough read that gently walks parents through the young teen years. His heart for this age group saturates every page as he introduces and explains each area of young teen development and life.

The book starts off introducing the age group, defined as 11-14 years old and then hones in on the key word of this period of life as “change”. The core chapters of the book follow through explaining each of the changes that are taking place in a young teen’s life. The final chapters close the book out helping parents understand young teen culture and suggestions on responding well to your child. Beyond just the exceptional content inside each chapter, the book also includes “A Word to Parents” written by other well-known youth workers on each subject.

If you are a youth worker that is involved in any way in the lives of young teens, I would strongly suggest you reading this book and also having a few copies of this book available in your office for parents. If you are a youth worker that works specifically with middle school and Jr. High students this book and the previous book Middle School Ministry are essentials in your library.

there were a couple other short quotes about the book on that youthworker journal web page also:

Understanding Your Young Teen offers great insight into so many specifics about the different areas of young adolescence from the physical changes to friendships. Parenting is not just about understanding one part of your teen but his or her culture and the world around him or her. It gives you practical ideas about getting inside the mind and emotions of your teen during this big change in their life. Oestreicher reveals the importance of parenting and the true impact parents can have on their teens.
–Dr. Scott Newton, Student Minister First Baptist Church, Moore

Marko did a great job with adolescent development background coupled with practical tips and aids for adults and parents to come alongside teenagers with real world advice.
–Dr. Jeff Baxter, Littleton, Colorado

thanks, guys!

last week at one of my youth ministry coaching program cohorts, we were having a conversation about longevity in ministry (in other words, staying at one church for a long time). various peeps were sharing great thoughts on the benefits and challenges. in our little cohort of 10 people (plus me), one has been at his church for 15 years, one was at his last church for 14 years, and one has been at her church for 11 years. so we had a few who knew what they were talking about.

again, we’re not just talking about being a ‘youth ministry veteran’ who has been a 6 different churches for 4 years each. we’re talking about staying put — one church, many years.

i made some notes to myself, which i’ll call Four Mindsets Necessary for Youth Ministry Longevity (a.k.a. staying put)

1. the grass is usually not greener over there. sure, the other church looks bitchin’. seems like it would be an amazing place to become the uber-youth pastor, right? nah, probably not. in fact, you know how grass gets really green where a dog pees, then eventually kinda burns out because of the nitrogen? yeah, well — that other place might just look greener at the moment, because, well… (i’ll let you finish that on your own).

related to #1…
2. don’t compare what you know about your context to what you assume about another. this mindset is a rif on some advice i heard tic long (and others, maybe yaconelli?) give over the years, when talking about how to think about the amazing speakers at events: ‘don’t compare what you know about yourself to what you assume about that speaker.’ same thing is true about church and ministry contexts. you know the dirt on your current place. you know that sweet looking old dude is actually trying to make your life a living hell. you know the senior pastor, who seems so approachable and personable actually struggles like crazy to engage at a human level. then, you see that other church, and you make assumptions, sometimes through rosey glasses (glasses, btw, that are provided to you free of charge by that church who wants you to see them in that rosey hue).

3. tension is a great opportunity for growth, if you have the humility to flex and be wrong. marriages reach what has commonly been called the 7 year itch. the honeymoon is long gone, and things have settled into a rut of sameness. i think youth workers hit a 3 or 4 year itch with churches:

• year one = wow, you really like me!
• year two = yeah, let’s stir the pot and change some things!
• year three = yes, things are starting to click!
• year four = i’m out of ideas, and you people kinda suck.

but… if you want personal growth; well, then, staying is the best option. sure, there are times to leave. but you’ll likely experience more growth by staying — even though there’s tension and things aren’t rosey — than if you bolt.

4. you’ll need a localized vision and appreciation for the unique ministry opportunities and potential of your specific community and church. if your vision is vanilla — “i want to be big,” or “i want to have a national presence,” or “i want churches on the other side of the country to be like us” — you’re often forced to cater to the lowest common denominator. like, what if you end up creating and leading the MOST AMAZING MINISTRY EVER for redneck baptist teenagers in nacogdoches, texas? in order to make it translate or transfer to being the MOST AMAZING MINISTRY EVER for that african american catholic youth ministry in minneapolis, well, you’re gonna to have to shave off a good dose of the uniqueness. you’re going to have to vanilla-ize it. bleh. youth workers who stay at the the same church for a long time invent their own flavors that have very little to do with vanilla.

other thoughts? i’m particularly interested in hearing from you if you’ve stayed at one church for more than 10 years.

yup. big awesomeness.

many of you know tic long. tic worked at youth specialties for pretty much all of his adult life, well more than 30 years, until this past fall. he has given his life to youth workers. the dude is thoughtful, direct, articulate, insightful, creative, and–no question about it–fun.

many of you also know that tic and i have the friendship that shouldn’t have lasted, through the ups and downs of youth specialties. many of our friends have encouraged us, at various times, to not be friends. but somehow–by the grace of god, and by the grace of tic–we’ve weathered it. privately and publicly, we enjoy being together, and have great respect for each other. and i’m sure glad that’s the case, because these days tic is the executive pastor at my church; and i get a big grin on my face every time i see him on the church campus, or hosting a service.

so, a couple months ago when we were hanging out, i said something like this:

tic, last year at the middle school ministry campference, one of the fantastic surprises was the role michael flaherty, the CEO of walden media, ended up playing. sure, he gave one of the main session talks, and that was great. but the surprise was two-fold: first, he hung out with people. and second, he instigated fun.

kurt johnston and i talked about how much that added to the event, and how it would be great to find someone who could play that role again. but it’s not a role many could play. when adam and i were brainstorming, it struck me: there is pretty much no one on earth who could provide that combination of things better than you, tic. i’m wondering if you would be willing to come to the MSMC and do three things:

1. give one of the main session talks.
2. be our resident sage, someone that middle school youth workers can sit with and talk, someone who will listen and care about them.
3. and, finally, i want you to mess with us, instigate fun, and be playful.

tic got a big grin on his face, and said he’d love to be there. he knows, as do i, that those are three things he will completely rock.

in addition, we’ve landed another absolutely brilliant presenter for a main session and other nefarious roles: mark dowds. many of you won’t be familiar with mark, but the dude is almost a savant in his brilliancy. mark is from ireland, where he was a youth pastor. after moving to canada, mark worked in a church for a while, and lead the staff of one of the largest camps in north america. then, he took a leap and started using his combination of natural insight and psychological training to consult with ministries and organizations, including both some of the biggest companies in canada, as well as a little company in san diego called youth specialties. mark worked with our entire staff, and provided leadership for about 10 leadership team retreats, shaping ys and each of us (tic and i maybe the most — in fact, we probably owe the continuation of our friendship to mark, in some ways). then mark jumped again, starting multiple companies himself, eventually moving to the san francisco bay area, and launching a series of tech start-ups.

bottom line: the dude is probably the most insightful person i’ve ever met (really). and, he’s an absolute blast. mark has also agreed to give one of the main session talks, and to hang out for the whole weekend, stirring the pot with his leprechaun magic.

i am off-the-charts ecstatic about these two guys–tic and mark–joining us for the MSMC; because i want nothing more than for this event to be the single most amazing and encouraging three days in the lives of people who work with young teens in churches; and i’m confident that tic and mark will dramatically increase our ability to do just that.

if you work with junior highers or middle schools in a church or other ministry context, i really hope you’ll join us on october 26 – 28, at spring hill camp in seymour, indiana (southern indiana). i hope you’ll bring a team, or recruit a few ministry friends to join you. it really is our tribal gathering, and you just can’t miss it. we need you and your voice. registration is open, so click through and check it all out.

well, hey, i might have developed and general edited this new bible for young adults, but i hadn’t seen this video (i just found it on an australian youth ministry blog that linked to my blog!). cool video — and it gives a great overview of the various elements, as well as the online community we hope will grow at theway.is.

i really had 22 year-olds in mind when i was working on this baby, though we always said it was for 17 – 30 year-olds. but the more i sit with it, the more i’m convinced that it really is a perfect bible for high schoolers also. we all know (well, i use ‘we’ to mean ‘youth workers’) that most ‘youth bibles’ are way too juvenile for today’s high schoolers. not this one, to be sure.

remember, you can download a ‘gospel of john sampler’ here (you can also order ‘em, if you’d like). but i really just wanted to share that cool video.

mitchell, holding the WWJD bear, and wearing his hat that he subsequently placed on the head of each guy who was sharing, including me.

but first, some of the funny bits, which mostly came out during our sharing of ‘highs and lows’.

6th grade dude 1 (describing the best thing about his past week): “the ballooned my dad’s office, and i got to help move the balloons to someone else’s cubicle…”
6th grade dude 2: you should BACON their office!
6th grade dude 3: that would ber BOSS!
me, in my mind, to myself: people still say ‘boss’ in place of ‘awesome’?

they were rather squirrelly, and having a hard time not talking over top of each other; so one of them suggested we use the WWJD bear. i mentioned this in a previous post — it’s a dorky little stuffed bear, wearing a WWJD sweater. it has a little pushbutton that makes it say (in an extremely idiotic, juvenile voice), “what would JEE-sus do?” but the button, which should have been in the chest, under the sweater, is wrongly in the crotch. so: giggles. they’re only allowed to talk when holding the bear, and can push the button before and after they give their answer. anyhow… one guy had just finished talking, and tossed the bear to a group of eager hands trying to grab it, and in the bedlam, one guy shouted out: “Hunger Games!”

6th grade dude to another who was stooped over: “You look like a hunchback!”
stooped 6th grade dude, in response: “I AM QUASIMODO!”

6th grade dude sharing the high point of his week: “I learned about the Dragunny!”
me: “what’s that?”
6th grade dude: “it’s a combination dragon and bunny, and i can draw a BOSS of ‘em.”

me, to a hyper dude: “you need to take a chillax pill.”
6th grade dude: “aren’t those illegal?”

6th grade dude, after pushing the WWJD button and hearing the question, ‘what would JEE-sus do?’: “he probably wouldn’t touch bears there.”

then, we had an amazing conversation about how faith works, and talked at length about some of their doubts, like “how do we know the bible is true” and “what if our god is the wrong god?”

(btw: if you want to spend a weekend with people who live these stories every week, check out the middle school ministry campference!”)