i am rather surprised to find out i’m a goth

who knew, except a church i won’t name in a city i won’t name in a state where a bumper sticker might say “focus on your own darn goth kid”. this is an actual letter sent out to parents from this church (sent to me by marty estes):

If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in.
The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan’s temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:

-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
-Complains of boredom.
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.) -Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through
meditation.)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, ministers and elders are but a few examples of this.
-Misbehaves at school.
-Misbehaves at home.
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.) -Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.) -Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: “I’m so gothic, I’m dead”, “woe is me”, “I’m a goth”.
-Claims to be a goth.

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.

so…

um. well first of all, according to this list, pretty much every teenager is a goth. and, according to the fun little “magazine quiz format” (five or more! you’re a winner! seek help immediately!), i’m clearly and incontrovertably a goth, as AT LEAST eleven or twelve of these statement are true of me! crap — now i’m in a full blown panic! man, if i start eating count dracula cereal, please, PLEASE, someone get me to my local mental health center.

i’m off to associate with people who act or speak eccentrically now.

youth workers, please remember to pass along to all the parents of your teenagers the helpful little equation we find here:
masturbation = goth = satan = mentally unstable

33 thoughts on “i am rather surprised to find out i’m a goth”

  1. If I read this correct Jesus was a Goth too.
    1 Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
    2 Drinks alcohol.
    3 Is suicidal and/or depressed. (was very burdened/saddened by what he had to do, ie cross)
    4 Is excessively awake during the night.
    5 Spends large amounts of time alone
    6 Requests time alone and quietness.
    7 Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
    8 Disregards authority figures; teachers, ministers and elders are but a few examples of this.
    9 Misbehaves at school. (at temple alone when a child)
    10 Misbehaves at home. (Jesus’ quote about who are my mother and brothers?)
    11 Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature. (Would Jesus play the Left Behind video game?)

    Well maybe we should reform Jesus.

    What do you think?

  2. If I’m guessing correctly, this is also the church whose members picked wicca members in front of their homes until they all moved away.

    but their pastor sure has a nice smile.

  3. To Marilyn Manson:

    You can get your “I’m goth” stickers inside each specially marked box of Count Chocula Cereal.

  4. My pink-loving 6 year old daughter really likes that Boo-Berry stuff that’s always on the shelf next to the Count. Should I be worried? I hear it’s a really slippery slope once you start stepping into the dark side.

  5. One of the guys in our group actually bought me a pair of those black, baggy pants seen in the Hot Topic store. He wants me to wear them Sunday, but I have to be careful, because he wants to return them (man I love youth ministry!). Our board actually asked me to “forbid the youngsters from wearing black clothing.” Not thinking straight, I showed up the next Sunday wearing my black dress suit. The following Sunday, after telling the kids about the new rule from our government, they all showed up wearing solid black…and yet, I still am here. Maybe I should show this letter to our senior pastor…na…

  6. Hmmm…expresses an interest in sex…so we KNOW that every male is a Goth. I’m thinking we’ve just redefined the whole adolescent subculture as Goth.

  7. Where do they find “Count Dracula” cereal? Sounds like a winner to me!

    This is ridiculous, I’d think it was a joke if I’d never set foot in a church before, but having hung out in Churches, I know this is probably for real.

    We need to start some accountability system with this stuff, you submit stuff like this to other Christians outside your circle and if they send it back stamped “crazy” then you let it go.

    This also doesn’t even come close to actually reflecting who Goths are or what they do, it seems like anyone or anything that’s different gets filed there anymore.

    Where is my crazy stamp…

  8. Good thing they don’t know about my wife and I. I am a pastor and have been part of the Goth subculture for years, and Ihave always been a Christain.
    Though I it has always been going to Goth clubs all of which are usually 18 and over, so I wasn’t really into the Goth scene in high school.
    As a Goth I can understand the concern about the fringe of the Goth scene who are actually into vampirism.
    But most of the list has little or nothing to do with the actual Goth scene. In fact most wicans and neo-pagans I know aren’t Goth. I also, love how everything is tied to Satanism. I have never met a Satanist in a Goth club. But of course its guilt by association anything that is not christian naturaly has its source in Satan from this POV.
    I also find it funny that a dfinining characteristing of Goth is interest in philosophy, Buddhism and Hinduism. Yes, goths gahter before going to a club to read Plato, or a sutra! LOL. Goth’s I know are fairly intelgent so sure they read philosophy and may even have a could understanding of world religions, but I also know plenty of Goths who could care less.
    Lastly, For all of you who have just found out you are Goth, welcome to a quite beautiful and wonderful and eclectic subculture, we should go dancing some time if you are ever in Chicago so you can be properly intiated. ;-}

  9. Wait…wearing black equates to being a Goth, and being a Goth equates to being Satanic, right? So what about those of us who ARE black? I mean, I can’t take this off; does that mean I’m going to hell?
    Also, I love the part about kids who don’t engage in “wholesome activites, such as: the Bible, prayer, church, or sports.”
    …SPORTS!? How on earth did that make it into the list? Yes, I can think of nothing more wholesome than slapping another guy on the butt while screaming obscenities at another group of people, all the while trying to move a ball from point A to point B for no reason.
    It’s also great to know that a child is Satanic if he/she’s depressed. Because of course, God only loves happy people.

  10. So now that we all have had a good laugh, will anyone join me in weeping for those who are under this teaching? Keep in mind someone in the leadership of a church thought this was a good idea.

  11. i can finally say that i am 100% goth by these standards. my friend’s mother was seriously reading them and we found it hilarious so we made a “I’M SO GOTH I’M DEAD!” CD to celebrate. great cd

  12. Did this as one of those sell test things at church on sunday, adapting the language slightly. Had everyone rolling in fits of laughter when our chief Goth turned out to be a 75 year old granny!

    Got to love you Yanks.

    Cheers mate.

    Paul, a limey

  13. I am a Goth.
    Goth is a lifestyle and state of mind. Black clothes are for how you feel inside. Not only depressed and thinking about death, like stereo types like to think of goths, but more importantly dark, mysterious and secretive. You will find goths that do not wear exclusively black, but also mix it with shades of green, red etc.
    Goths are people who are free thinkers.
    They do not blindly accept what the mainstream society and religions are feeding them. Goths form their own thoughts about society, religion and the bible. They do not accept everything they are told by the mainstream or by God, but are open for debate and discussions on various topics like death, romance, magick, non-mainstream views and religions as well as the dark topics that are usually taboo in the mainstream.
    There are also people claiming to be goths, but they are NOT:
    There are lots of gays and lesbos adopting the “goth” fashion, but many (most) of them are not goths. Some do it because they seek acceptance and tolerance for their behavior and not because they are free thinking. They can have fairly rigid mind.
    Others, like most teenagers claiming to be goths, are in fact just rebels wanting to “shock”.
    You also get the people idiolizing music stars that are playing dark music with the hopes of becoming somebody.
    Others are becoming “goths” with high hopes of drugs and sex. They are not goths, but horny junkies.

    So now that I have tried to explain what a goth is what not, let me have a look at the “warning signs”:
    Frequently wears black clothing.
    * I always wear black clothing. Even to work. I have corporate goth wear. Nobody even take notice of it. Clever mixing of goth style into corporate wear, and off I go.

    -Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
    * I do have a few.

    -Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
    * Very seldom.

    -Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.
    * Yes

    -Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
    * I do have a few.

    -Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
    *I have a huge collection of gothic metal.

    -Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
    *I do mixe withe othere people.

    -Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
    * I am an extreme sports fanatic.

    -Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
    * I like to converse with other people on those subjects, and then make up my own mind and form my own opinion.

    -Takes drugs.
    * Yes. Nicotine. 15 Cigs / day.

    -Drinks alcohol.
    * Yes. I like a cold beer now and then.

    -Is suicidal and/or depressed.
    * No. I am happy.

    -Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
    * No.

    -Complains of boredom.
    * I could have just clicked away from this site…
    No, I am not bored.

    -Sleeps too excessively or too little.
    * Who does not?

    -Is excessively awake during the night.
    * Especially when go out.

    -Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.) -Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
    * I must admit I prefer night over day. Not for the reasons mentioned, though.

    -Spends large amounts of time alone.
    * Now and then.

    -Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through
    meditation.)
    * After a rough day at work, I like to be alone and relax.

    -Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
    * Of course. I am 32.

    -Disregards authority figures; teachers, ministers and elders are but a few examples of this.
    * I am an adult.

    -Misbehaves at school.
    * I did. Like every normal boy.

    -Misbehaves at home.
    * I was no angel.

    -Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
    * No. I hate cereal.

    -Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.) -Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.) -Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature.
    * No.

    -Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
    * Of course. It is part of my work.

    -Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
    * Only when I listen to “Thunderstruck” I head bang.

    -Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
    * Sometimes

    -Expresses an interest in sex.
    * Of course. I am married!

    -Masturbates
    * Not anymore. See above.

    -Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
    * No.

    -Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
    * No

    -Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: “I’m so gothic, I’m dead”, “woe is me”, “I’m a goth”.
    * Sometimes

    -Claims to be a goth.
    * I did that in my very first sentence here.

  14. Goth is a culture. I had discovered this particular description through numerous websites and through comments by others that had attempted to persuade others into believing it. I tend to agree with this manner of perceiving it. It is a culture and belief system and adult Goths are being subdued because the media and perhaps certain individuals are intent on causing it to appear to be directed at adolescents because it is a way to get a decent culture of people who’s values happen to contrast what society considers ‘wholesome’ to not be taken seriously. It’s actually a marvelous theory. I know I’ve seen quite a few adult Goths where I live. Corporate Goth is ridiculous though. It expresses to me that rather than influence the law to guarantee that discrimination laws take effect they would rather take the easy way out and conform. They aren’t very passionate. They remind me of the teenagers who grow out of it, except these just don’t want to abandon it regardless of the fact that they no longer are passionate and only maintain a connection through music. But I prefer being within the company of adults who dress the part AND adhere to the belief system.

  15. Wow I guess any1 who is going/went thru puberty is a goth lol.
    Plus any1 who claims to be goth is a poser!
    I am NOT Goth I just listen to goth music and wear black clothing.
    I am Pagam/Wiccan So I dont see how thats the devil in fact I love Nature and would do anything to protect it.
    Well come lock me up!…..if you can catch me!

  16. And… why so serious? Are we too spooky for the innocent churchlings who cannot tolerate non-happy-shiny people?

    Actually, I think these people ought to seek professional help immediately. They have just condemned every sulky, out-to-annoy-the bat-stuffing-out-of-Mom-and-Dad teenager to mental illness.

    Ah, well. They’ll get over it.

  17. Oh yeah, I forgot to ask: Since when does sports constitute wholesomeness? Are you mental? You beat the crap out of people in most of them. This is not wholesome. This is culture condoned violence.

    It’s also fun, mind, but really, you’d think that the fact that most Goths (at least the ones I know) are some of the most impressively well read creatures on earth might be a good thing.

    But nope, can’t be true….

  18. Well said Sparky! we should all be burnt to death! because we read and care about life yep……. were satanist!

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