i’m truly sick of crying

really. cry, cry, cry.

i watched two movies on the flight home: The Interpreter (cry, cry — two times); and, The Upside of Anger (cry, cry, cry, cry, cry — yes, five frickin’ times).

i’m sick of the painful clenching of the throat. i’m tired of the burning moistness in the corners of my eyes. i’m weary of the self-consciousness that comes with scrunching up my face to stave off full-fledged weeping.

life was easier 20 months ago, when i didn’t cry. sometimes i wouldn’t mind so much going back.

10 thoughts on “i’m truly sick of crying”

  1. Frikkin beautiful Marko.

    Just beautiful.

    You reminded me of the first time I saw The Last Samurai – wept like a baby. Like a baby.


  2. I’m a cryier too, and lately wishing I just wasn’t. It’s just so frustrating to so visably be real with people who can hide things better…but what am I saying? Isn’t being real the goal? But at what cost?

    Best of luck to sort out your tears…

  3. when i read that i am more and more convinced (not that it was ever any question for me) that yac knew exactly what he was doing when he picked you out years ago marko.

    he was a prophet – he knew this journey would bring you to this soulful, tender place. like kristen said above – that is really the goal – to be the kind of person who lives transparently enough to be present to their emotions. it is very costly though.

    thanks for the recommend for my netflix queue – way better than two thumbs up – 2 cries, 5 cries – you should start a movie review blog!

  4. Well Marko, I’ve been threatening to do this since we had that scabby breakfast at the White Rock cafe last Saturday morning (where has the week gone?). Glad SS was all you’d hoped it would be

    For those of you who have spent time with this painfully beautiful man, it will come as no surprise that he cries, and specifically the kind of crying he mentions that started 20 months ago! hadn’t realised buddy until I read your blog that I recognise that same pattern in my own life, over the same time – don’t think anyone needs to be a genius to work out why.

    A mutual friend of ours, Pip Wilson, a trustee at Greenbelt asks Level 5 questions, and I remember the first one he asked me: When did you become an adult? I’ve been thinking about the same question a great deal since we spent a few days together, and I am beginning to conclude that it was when I started to cry, when I began to allow my soul to soften to the struggles of others. And when I started to notice these tender moments of life I remembered some words of my late Grandma; that I should savour the sweet moments of life, whilst being acutely aware of love and small pleasures and struggles of others. In these moments we find an intimate paradoxical resting far beyond anything we have felt before, and I suppose (maybe) this was my epiphany from being a boy to becoming a man.

    Why am i rambling on like this? well, I’ve read most of your blogs and comments and I know the pain some of the more incidious ones cause, and really all I want to say to you Elisha, is that for me you embody the struggle, humour, pain, joy – the full complexity of what it means to be a follower of that frustratingly loving carpenter from Nazareth…..so walk on with all your tears, cos I for one am nore convinced that the hallmarks of Christianity are characterised not by a pentecost experience but from moments immersed with the fragrance of Gethsemane and Calvary. We need do we not Marko, to accept and embrace our brokeness, and understand that some things, this side of a far better place, just can’t be fixed.

    You Marko are a beautiful human becoming and I treasure our friendship – you embody the fact that it’s more important to love than to be right.

    Love ya man

  5. I kinda of envy you that. While movies and books and “stuff” like that can bring on the waterworks…when it comes to “me” stuff…I do not allow it! I know it stinks…but it is so awesome, marko!

  6. Wait – I take that back. I just remembered that I cried last month when I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And when Charlie went to open the first chocolate bar… looking for that golden ticket..

    I started weeping. Like a heartbroken lover.

    I’ve been looking for a church to land in for several months. There was too much identification with that scene.

    “Is this the one…?”

  7. I’d just like to say a quick thank you from one anonymous christian to a bunch who really inspired me. esp the post by Paul; “..to accept and embrace our brokeness, and understand that some things, this side of a far better place, just can’t be fixed.” This is an ideal I am grateful to you for pointing out to me, and one that puts me at ease.

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