it’s windy in here

i was at the health club last night, doing stretches before meeting with the sadist, and experienced a… well… awkward moment.

i was sitting on the stretching mats, doing these little things to work out the knots in my leg muscles. there were only three of us there at the moment. on one side of me: a middle-aged sprite of a woman, all tone and muscle, not an ounce of fat on her freakish little body. on the other side of me: a young 20-something workout hottie, preening and posing as much as anything else. there was a bunch of room on the mats, as other people had just left, but the three of us were all bunched together in the middle.

suddenly, i was engulfed by a massive, rancid fart. not my own, mind you. it was one of those eye-burners. i’d been breathing with my mouth open, but quickly closed it. everyone stopped for a moment. and i realized: whichever one of these women DIDN’T do that surely thinks it was me, the fat guy in the middle. i wanted to shout out, “Hey, it wasn’t me!” but i decided to let ms. smelly keep some dignity, and kept quiet, falling on the fart-blame sword.

i had a similar experience with a dental hygienist a couple years ago, btw. that was even more awkward, since it was only the two of us.

19 thoughts on “it’s windy in here”

  1. I’m not sure if anyone has passed on this advice, and it should be passed onto all the people looking to lose a significant amount of weight.

    Get ready to get a new wardrobe.

    But… don’t start buying ALL new clothes until you’ve hit your target weight or stopped losing. It can get expensive.

    The great thing is you can shop at any store you want and not just the ones that sell clothes with XXX in the size (personal experience).

    Although all those old t-shirts can make a cool and really BIG quilt.

  2. LOL…Thanks, I needed that laugh this morning!..and you’re exactly right, you would have gotten blamed anyway, so you should have pulled out the Jim Carrey line from “Liar, Liar” stepping off the elevator: Stand up, turn around and sneer “It was me!” and walk away confidently.

  3. For sure this has to go for the weight loss competition. Hmm… I tend to think it was you. Looking for sympathy in the contest. Just joking.

  4. The irony being: Yesterday at a time very simular to yours, I was doing the Rabbit posture in yoga… where your butt sticks up in the air. I was trying so hard to keep the position that I ripped it. There were 40 people in the class.. I think every single person laughed. Once again, farts never grow old. I took joy in your story… thanks for sharing =)

  5. Ever seen one of those fart machines? I have gotten practically everyone on staff with it with strategic placement between two parties. They are pretty small, so you could put it … in several places.

  6. nice. All you had to do was mention you were on a cleanse… doesn’t a cleanse make your farts smell like a flowery alpine meadow not the scourge of the earth.?

    regardless I think that skinny girls know how bad their farts smell. they just don’t talk about it. You were just a victim of flagalents profiling.

  7. “falling on the fart-blame sword”

    I hope I recover enough from laughing at that line to teach later. THANKS!

  8. I liked how you called your fitness instructor “the sadist”. Nice!

    You really should be prepared in case something like that happens again. You know, have a line ready like “We’re under a biological attack!!” or something.

  9. “. . . i decided to let ms. smelly keep some dignity, and kept quiet, falling on the fart-blame sword.”

    aahhh, chivalry is NOT dead!!!

  10. Dude I think I laughed so hard that I’m in my own cloud of stink. Hey BTW, you’re looking great- new hair but, more important (at least from the new ‘do pic posted) looking more thin than I’ve seen you in years. Keep it up brotha’! Looks like the sadist is making an impact!

  11. One time I was flipping through channels and these people were doing yoga and the intructor lady let one ripp loud (it was live) and everyone was laughing and they kept on filming too.

    Good tip: Stretching leads to farts so force those farts out in the locker room or on the way inside from your car to the gym.

  12. Oh how funny. I typically just say say “excuse me” if I let one rip, but once at Blockbuster I let out a really loud one and then ducked down like I was looking at a video on the bottom row. In the overhead mirrors I could totally see the other customers looking at each other across the rows trying to figure out who it was. It was so hilarious!

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