Plagues of Egypt That Did Not Make The God of Abraham’s Final Cut (a mcsweeney’s list)

love me some mcsweeney’s lists. this one totally brought audible chortling noises from me whilst reading it.

PLAGUES OF EGYPT THAT DID NOT MAKE THE GOD OF ABRAHAM’S FINAL CUT.

BY DAVID BAILEY

i plague you– – – –
Plague of athlete’s foot.

Plague of Band-Aids in everyone’s salad.

Plague of leaky pens in shirt pockets.

Plague of in-laws coming into town and staying the whole weekend.

Plague of mariachi bands in every restaurant.

Plague of dry heat, why’s it so dry lately?

Plague of no good place to get a decent cup of coffee around here.

Plague of recurring dreams of being naked in front of the whole class.

Plague of Pharaoh sex scandal that everybody just can’t stop talking about.

Plague of heart burn even after a light lunch.

Plague of teenagers.

Plague of nobody can find their keys.

Plague of three days and nights of goats screaming like people in unison.

Plague of peanut allergy of the second-born child.

Plague of anachronisms.

Plague of sudden indifference towards cats.

Plague of fear of public speaking.

Plague of picking at that scab even though the Egyptians know they shouldn’t.

Plague of eye twitch that won’t seem to go away.

Plague of inappropriate advances.

Plague of wildcard, all the people of Egypt get a different plague upon this day.

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