stuff christians like

the satirical site, stuff white people like, has spawned a christian kid: stuff christians like. it’s funny, funny stuff.

here’s a couple to whet your appetite, both of which had good youth ministry overtones:

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#125. The mandatory youth minister goatee.
This is how I imagine most job interviews going between a church search committee and a potential youth minister:

Search committee member
“Well, so far everything checks out. Your beliefs are the same as ours, you’re smart and the kids seemed to really like you. But there’s something missing.”

Potential youth minister
“Do you need more references? I could get more references.”

Search committee member
“No, I’m going to cut to the chase. It’s your chin. It’s just so bald and boring. The kids in this community need a youth minister with a bit of an edge. Someone that understands them. Someone that speaks their language with the “phat” and the “twittering” and the “i said a hip hop the hippie the hippie, to the hip hip hop, a you don’t stop, the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie.” They need someone relevant and now. Someone … with a goatee.”

Potential youth minister
“I’ll start growing one today.”

Search committee member
“Hired!”

That’s probably not exactly how it happens but the magazine Christianity Today did a survey and 72% of youth ministers in America have goatees. OK, I made that up but it sounded true because chances are yours had one. I don’t think there is any great follicle conspiracy at hand, I just think it’s a really easy way to tell the senior minister and the youth minister apart. Unless your senior minister has one too and in that case you might be going to a church with a name that starts with a lower case “x” or “i” (xPerience, xTra, xTraordinary, iNtouch, iChapel, iSaved etc.) and at that point all bets are off.

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#154. Breaking up after a retreat.
Next to unpacking, dumping your boyfriend or girlfriend is our favorite thing to do after a church retreat. We can’t help it. The retreat speaker always tells us on Saturday night, “If there’s anything you need to lay down before the cross tonight, to give up to God, come down and do it. Don’t wait, this is your chance.” And you are the first thing we think of. So we decide with our retreat friends that we are going to do it. This relationship is over. And then on Sunday afternoon when we get back, we call you and have the following conversation:

Girl:
“The retreat was good, it gave me a lot to think about.”

Guy:
“Really? Like what?”

Girl:
“Well, I think you and I have grown apart.”

Guy:
“You’ve been gone for 44 hours and were 119 miles away, what do you mean?”

Girl:
“God just really laid it on my heart that I should focus on him and not this relationship.”

Guy:
“God told you to dump me?”

And so forth. The moral of this story is that if your girlfriend or boyfriend is going on a retreat, you better go too. Unless it’s an all girl’s retreat. And mission trips are even worse. Your girlfriend is going to start seeing Mark, that awkward but kind of cute guy, in a whole new light during that mission trip. It’s a light called, “Look at Mark feed hungry children in Africa while my boyfriend plays Xbox back in Ohio.”

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

15 thoughts on “stuff christians like”

  1. that second one is priceless… and oh, so true. I had a teen girl break up with her boyfriend via cell phone AT THE RETREAT. :P

  2. don’t have the goatee but i have a beard…can’t grow hair on top of my head and i refuse to go to the hair club for men. so, i gotta grow it where i can. back hair sucks.

  3. i couldn’t grow a goatee to save my life…after a week in mexico without shaving, i come back from the mission trip with the equivalent of anyone else’s 5 oclock shadow.

  4. I am a youth worker with a goatee, and I have been dumped by a girl after a retreat….wow, my life story…let me get in a corner of my office and cry

  5. i came unglued by the goatee comment. wow. how true is that?

    also the soul patch is becoming the new requirement.
    I think the search committee operates under this assumption:
    the thicker the goatee/soul patch, the better youth pastor you are.

    For example, Doug Fields. Have you seen that guys soul patch up close?

    i can only pray that God will give me facial hair like David Crowder.

  6. Mark –
    Thanks so much for linking to my site, stuff christians like. It’s been a blast to interact with other people that have the same experiences and I appreciate you sharing the site with folks.
    Jon

  7. I was a youth pastor with a goatee and before that an earnest young man who broke up with his girlfriend after a retreat. C’est la vie.

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