Tag Archives: parenting teenagers

family, personal

Why I’m Traveling to Easter Island With My Son Today

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in the last several years, i’ve found myself in conversations multiple times with a dad of a high school guy who’s asking for input about how he should address the growing gap in their relationship. of course, some distancing between a high school guy and his dad is completely normal, developmentally.

funny example from the healthy relationship i’m blessed to have with my son — an exchange that took place while i was backing up the car and he was in the passenger seat:
Max: “You can back up further.”
Me: “No, there’s a bush.”
Max: “There’s tons of room!” (Then, continuing in a quiet affected voice, to no one in particular:) “I’m disagreeing with the male role model in my life because I’m an adolescent trying to establish myself, my identity and my power.”

in one of the earliest of that series of conversations with dads, i made a suggestion: you and your son need an epic adventure together. the idea took shape in my mind in the midst of me describing it: i’m not talking about taking your son on a ministry trip (or business trip). and i’m not talking about a night out. i’m talking about prioritizing something of a splurge in terms of time and cost. travel somewhere together where neither of you would likely go on your own. create an epic shared memory where you’re stuck together for a number of days without any other relationships to default to (spouse, siblings). the combination of epic-ness/adventure and quantity time will likely be massively fruitful. (i’m convinced that parents — especially dads — need to adopt a mindset that quality time only occurs in the midst of quantity time. you can’t really schedule quality time.)

since i articulated that idea in that conversation, i’ve repeated that advice a half dozen times to other dads. honestly: i don’t know if any of them took my advice.

but: even though my relationship with my son (who’s now 18 and about to leave the nest) is really wonderful, i decided a couple years ago that i should take my own advice. max and i started talking about what our epic adventure could be. my rules for myself on this were:
– this trip can’t be combined with a trip where i’m working in any way
– this trip would ideally be to a location neither of us had ever travelled to before
– max has a 51% share of the votes on where we go

Screen Shot 2016-03-17 at 11.42.03 AMfor a couple years we’ve talked about going to iceland. but once we settled on spring break of his senior year for the trip, we ruled out iceland (too cold in march!), and started considering locations in the southern hemisphere. somewhere along the way, i mentioned the idea of easter island. after a ton of research, we agreed, and made our plans.

easter island is one of the most remote inhabited islands on earth. we fly to santiago, chile (where we’ll spend 24 hours on each end of the trip); then we fly five hours straight west of santiago to get to easter island. easter island has an extremely unique history — it’s the story of a culture that was thriving, with well over 15,000 residents. but due to a bizarre story of seemingly bad choices involving competition between chiefs to construct massive statues (some call these ‘tikis’ — their official name is ‘moai’), every last tree on the island was cut down. then the topsoil completely eroded. along the way, the population ate all the indigenous animals. all of this led to a societal collapse, almost to the point of cultural extinction (they got as low as 111 residents in 1877). today, there are roughly 5000 permanent residents of the island, with a little over half being descendants of the original rapa nui people.

easter island moaisi have the advantage of airline miles. so max and i can get to santiago and home without flight cost. our cost, then, included reasonable flights from santiago to easter island and back, and humble accommodations with a partial kitchen that will allow us to avoid eating out the whole time. and the splurge i chose was booking private tours of the island (which seemed so preferable to being on a tour bus with a bunch of other tourists!).

because of my work, max has had the somewhat uncommon benefit of traveling to lots of cool places with me. he’s been all over the US and canada and mexico. and he’s been to haiti, peru, guatemala, england, and new zealand. but those were all ‘my trips’ where he got to tag along. this trip is OUR trip, only.

family, youth ministry, youth work

thoughts for parents of young teens, part 9

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youth workers, feel free to copy and paste (or email) this series in a parent newsletter or email. i’d appreciate a credit line, but otherwise, go for it. oh, and by the way, this totally has implications for youth ministry also.

see part 1: doubts
and part 2: transition
and part 3: bored with church and god
and part 4: boundaries and decisions
and part 5: a world of paradoxes
and part 6: process trumps content
and part 7: self-centered and perpetual now
and part 8: when to “back off” on parenting
(btw: this is the last installment. enough already, right?)

lonely boyQuestion: Our middle school grade son seems to have no real friendships. And I’m not even sure he wants them. Is this normal? Are there things my husband and I should be doing?

First, it’s important to know that this is a very normal situation for a young teen boy. In fact, it has become substantially more common over the past decade or so. So, your son isn’t “abnormal” on this one. It’s normal and natural for a young teen, even one who had friends as a child, to struggle as they move (a developmentally normal and good move) from forming friendships based on proximity (“You and I are friends because we live near each other or spend a lot of time in the same place”) to forming friendships based on affinity (“You and I are friends because we like the same things, or have the same values”).

But, that doesn’t mean it’s a healthy situation. As a youth worker, it’s been one of greatest new concerns I’ve had for my students in the last ten years. Boys, particularly (girls also, but to a lesser degree), are not learning the skills of friendship. Historically, I don’t think we thought of children and teenagers as needing these skills–friendship just came naturally to them! But today’s 10 – 14 year old is so often isolated, they’ve not learned the skills of friendship in their day-to-day lives.

Boys are naturally less expressive than girls (especially at this age). And our culture has told them “the strong, silent type” is a great male archetype. Even the U.S. Army, which, ironically has learned – out in the field – that soldiers can only succeed in teams, has been advertising this notion like crazy for a several years with their “Army of One” campaign.

Add to these cultural notions the fact that today’s young teens have reaped most parents’ desire to “cocoon”, by having a house-full (or more likely these days, a bedroom-full) of toys intended for solo use: television or laptop, video-gaming systems, music players. Not that these things are all bad. But the fairly normal overuse of them has greatly contributed to this “loner” trend.

So, what can you do? Here are a few ideas:

• Encourage friendship groups. Often, the safest place for a boy to learn about friendship is in a group, not in a one-on-one friendship. Hopefully, one of the best places for this is in a healthy and active middle school program at your church. I know many parents who have chosen their church based on this factor alone!

• Service potential friendships. When you see any spark of potential friendship for your son, find ways to subtely encourage that spark. This doesn’t mean talking about it like crazy! (that will only lead to retreat for most boys.) Instead, offer to drive them somewhere; suggest fun ideas for excursions and make them possible. Also, make sure you home is a “safe” place for your son to have a friend over: a place where he won’t be embarrassed or treated like a little kid in front of his friends.

• Encourage your son, but don’t nag. When your son spends time with a friend (or potential friend), say something positive–but keep it short and sweet. Lengthy speeches will feel like pressure or nagging, and will backfire on you.

• Pray like crazy!

family, youth ministry, youth work

thoughts for parents of young teens, part 4

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youth workers, feel free to copy and paste (or email) this series in a parent newsletter or email. i’d appreciate a credit line, but otherwise, go for it…

see part 1: doubts
and part 2: transition
and part 3: bored with church and god

teenage turtleBoundaries and Decisions

This research-proven truth may surprise you: Parents are still the number one influence in the lives of their teenagers. Many parents assume that with adolescence, the peer group takes the top influencer slot; or media; or something or someone else.

Here’s another fact that may surprise you even more: Young teens still want and need boundaries. Maybe you’re not surprised by the thought that they need boundaries; but the fact that they want them seems counter-intuitive to their regular spoken and unspoken demands for independence. Of course, unless uttered in sarcasm, you’ll never actually hear your student say, “Please, Mom, I want less freedom!”

You live this issue every day. Because the primary task of parenting a teenager is to foster healthy independence, the rub of boundary setting is in your face on a constant basis.

And it’s not that kids want (or need) a huge set of restrictions: instead, they want to know–with clarity–where the fences of their decision-making playground are placed.

Two extremes to avoid

The Cage. It’s very common (in fact, it’s increasingly common) for parents to be concerned about the world in which their young teen is growing up. It’s common–and good–for parents to be concerned about the fact that our culture is expecting kids to act older (and be exposed to “older things”) at a younger and younger age.

The good and appropriate motivation to protect your new teen, however, can easily result in an unhealthy restriction on growing up. Parents at this extreme keep the boundaries on decision-making and independence so close that teens never (or rarely) have the opportunity to make any real choices.

This extreme can stunt the emotional and spiritual growth of teens, keeping them from the essential learning that comes with good and bad decision-making. In other words: setting the boundaries too tight works counter-productively, keeping your teen from growing in maturity.

Free-Range. The opposing extreme is also common (though increasingly less so), and is possibly even more destructive. This comes from the often-exasperated parent who says: “I don’t know how much freedom to give my teen. He seems to want complete independence, and his friends seem to have that already. Since I don’t know where to draw the line, I’ll give him what he’s asking for: almost complete independence.”

I’m saddened and occasionally shocked by how many 12 year-olds have complete freedom in every decision other than the basics of life (shelter, food, car rides). These young teens are allowed, or even encouraged, to make every choice when it comes to things like: curfew, bedtime, music and movie intake, friendships, money-spending, clothing and appearance. I’m not suggesting a prudish approach to this list (anyone who knows me can vouch for that!). But remember what I said at the outset of this article: teens want and need boundaries!

The Goal

The challenging goal of parenting teens, then, becomes to provide ever-increasing boundaries, with freedom inside those boundaries to run wild and make decisions.

This is not just about maturation and growing up and becoming healthy whole independent adults (although that’s a pretty good list!). This is a spiritual task! For parents, this is a fulfillment of the spiritual task given to you by God: to raise whole and healthy independent adults (failure as a parent looks like a 28 year-old who is still dependent on his mommy).

It also has spiritual implications for your young teen: as she learns to make healthy decisions, in the semi-protected environment of the boundaries you set, she will gain courage and skill for the task of embracing a faith-system that needs to evolve and grow into her own.

family, personal

A Happy Teenager is a Lame Parenting Goal

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a publisher asked me to write a short parenting book yesterday. and my teenage son is out of town this week on a class trip (and my 20 year-old daughter is away at college): so we’re getting a taste of empty nest. those factors mashed up to bring to the surface some thoughts i’ve had percolating for a while.

A Rant:

holy cow, so many parents have absorbed, like sponges, the misguided idea that the goal of parenting a teenager is for the teen to be happy.

happywith that goal in mind, they become obligated to parent with a set of behaviors and practices that misfire and don’t get them to their (misguided) goal:

  • “sure, i’m your parent; but i really want to be your friend!”
  • “i want to protect you and keep you safe, free from any scratches or dangers.”
  • “unless it’s in an area where your exploration will give you happiness, then i want you to have that.”
  • “oh, you made a really bad choice? i don’t like that you made that choice, but i’ll remove the consequences, because they would make you unhappy.”
  • “you’re too young for responsibility. you can think about that stuff when you’re an adult. i’m sure you’ll magically become responsible at that point.”

A Concession:

but i have compassion for parents of teenagers. and, as a parent of a teenager and a 20 year-old (who i refuse to consider a teenager), i hope you’ll have compassion on me.

i am regularly bombarded (as are all parents of teenagers) with the message that my teen’s happiness should be my goal. i’m told that my teenager’s happiness is my measure of success. i’m told that i’m a BAD PARENT if:

  • i don’t remove consequences to bad choices.
  • i don’t give my teenager everything s/he wants.
  • i give him or her meaningful responsibility and expectation.

really, it has become downright COUNTERCULTURAL to parent teenagers with any goal other than an obsession with their happiness.

i’m convinced that a big part of this is because the american dream has changed.

Why the Shift?

for centuries, the american dream has promised that if you work hard, you can possess the good life. this dream has morphed, to be sure, in its definition. the shift is located in our collective desire of what we want to possess. even as recently as thirty or forty years ago, the good life was primarily about property ownership, with a side helping of possessing relationships. that might be a little snarky, but the image of a poor immigrant, dreaming of one day owning a piece of land, or a home, and raising a family while applying oneself to “a good day’s work” was as clear as a norman rockwell painting.

my paternal grandparents lived this dream. maria and rudy separately left germany in their middle teenage years, steaming toward the american dream on a ship. both headed for detroit, where each had cousins or siblings who had recently put down roots. eventually meeting and marrying, they lived the life one can imagine them dreaming of as they had one foot on the gangplank and one foot on the ship leaving europe.

rudy spent his life as an electrician for detroit edison (now called DTE energy). they had a simple but comfortable home, raising a family of three children (my father included) in ann arbor, michigan. at retirement age, they did what retirees were supposed to do in those days, moving to clearwater, florida, and a massive retirement community where she could fill her days with ceramics classes, and he could fill his with golf.

by 20th century standards, they lived the american dream.

but the 21st century has a different set of values. today’s american dream is about possessing happiness, not property. material things are still a major part of the picture (maybe more than ever), since the assumption for many is that “stuff” will provide happiness.

but increasingly, today’s young adults, and thirty- and forty-somethings, are less interested in property possession and raising a family, and are more interested in a variety of other perceived happiness producers: fun, travel, adventure, meaning or significance, community, and freedom (not freedom to own things, but freedom from being anchored to anything).

The Result:

how’s this parenting approaching working out for us, by the way?

teen languagelet’s see… i’d suggest these results:

  • adolesence is extending faster than pinocchio’s nose. young adults don’t know how to take responsbility for themselves because they’ve never been given responsibility.
  • teenagers and young adults are increasingly being treated like children. this certainly does damage, and is darn close to abusive.
  • teenagers are no happier than they were a decade or two ago (prior to this absurd pendulum swing).
  • parents are not experiencing more satisfaction in their roles. in fact, more parents feel like failures than ever.
  • basically: everyone loses. no one is getting what they actually want.

time to take stock and consider a redirect, i’d say.

The Better Goal:

i believe the goal of parenting a teenager is independence. in other words, i’m more interested in raising adults than “raising kids.” sure, we’re not ultimately made for independence; god made us in his own image, wired for interdependence. but the dependence children have on their parents needs to shift during and after the teen years, with young adults both moving into interdependence with other people and their parents. so: i’m sticking with “independence” as a parenting teenagers goal: my kids have to experience healthy independence from me (and my wife) before they can choose another alternative.

to that end, i continue to wrestle my own internal insecurities, pressure from our culture, and fear of failure, to practice these commitments:

  • i will not treat my daughter or son like children. i will view them and think of them and treat them as apprentice adults rather than living the last few years of childhood.
  • i will be err on the side of giving freedom for decision making (which is not the same thing as disengaging, or abdicating). i will create clearly articulated boundaries within which glorious amounts of freedom and decision making can be exercised.
  • i will not remove the consequences of bad choices, even if the consequences will be challenging and a threat to happiness (and even if the consequences are a major inconvenience to me).
  • i totally dig my daughter and son, and love spending time with them; but i will neither fool myself into thinking i’m their peer, nor expect them to include me as a peer.

i’d love for my daughter and son to be happy (in case you thought i was suggesting the opposite). and i think they generally are happy. it’s just not the goal of my parenting. and it shouldn’t be yours, if you want to see your teenagers grow into healthy adults.

ok. who’s with me?

Mark Oestreicher is a partner in The Youth Cartel, a veteran youth worker, and a parent of a 20 year-old daughter and 16 year-old son. He speaks frequently to parents, and is the author or co-author of six books for parents, including A Parents Guide to Understanding Teenage Guys, A Parents Guide to Understanding Teenage Girls, A Parents Guide to Understanding Teenage Brains, A Parents Guide to Understanding Social Media, A Parents Guide to Understanding Sex & Dating, and Understanding Your Young Teen. With his own “apprentice adults,” he co-authored a book for teenagers: 99 Thoughts on Raising Your Parents.

books, youth ministry, youth work

A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Sex & Dating (and the Parent’s Guide 5-Pack Set)

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first things first: i’ve been a really lousy blogger of late. these last few weeks have just been a blur, really. all filled with really wonderful stuff (including some days in detroit with my extended family, a sort-of partial vacation). but i haven’t been able to get “write blog post” up on the to-do list above items that were more pressing. and there’s nothing good about blogging out of obligation. plus, i always remind myself that approximately 4/5 of my blog readers don’t actually come to the blog to read stuff: most of you use a blog reader or subscribe via email. and those who DO come to the blog usually do so because they’re following a link on facebook. so, to you small handful who have typed in w-h-y-i-s-m-a-r-k-o-.-c-o-m into your browser, only to see the same ol’ posts that were previously there, i apologize. and: it’s unlikely to get much better in the next week or so!

ok, but!

parents guide, sex and datingi had a new book release last week! and i have to tell you about that!

when i was working on developing the “A Parent’s Guide” series for Simply Youth Ministry, we started with about 15 possible book topics, and narrowed it to 10. as part of the approval process with Group (as is true for all publishers), sales has to speak into the viability of a proposal; and Group’s sales peeps wisely suggested we start with 5 books in the series, rather than 10. narrowing the list to 5, i instantly knew who i wanted to work with on the co-authoring of A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Girls (that would be brooklyn lindsey), and on Teenage Guys (that would be brock morgan). the Social Media one was a complete no-brainer (duh, Adam McLane). and i knew i was just going to punch out the Teenage Brains book on my own. But A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Sex & Dating initially had me a bit stumped, both on the final title (i know this title could sound like it’s a sex guide for parents! but all other “more clear” variations were just making the title too long, or sounded creepy) and on who i might ask to co-author it with me.

joel mayward is a graduate of my Youth Ministry Coaching Program. i’d been working with him on developing the idea, and then the manuscript for his book Leading Up (a FANTASTIC book, btw). i knew joel to be a fantastic youth worker, an uncommonly deep and clear and curious thinker, and a really wonderful and skilled writer. so i asked him if he had any interest in helping me write to parents about this subject. surprised to be asked, he was stoked about it.

really, i love this book. it’s a short and easy-to-read overview of what’s most important for parents of teenagers to understand when i comes to both understanding their teenager’s sexuality and in how to talk about it. it’s theologically grounded (probably more so than any of the other books in the series), and surprisingly deep, considering the length and style.

here’s the back cover copy:

Helping your child make wise choices about sex and dating requires more than just one chat. It’s about building bridges of ongoing dialogue throughout the teenage years.

But youth workers Mark Oestreicher and Joel Mayward realize many parents don’t feel comfortable or prepared to have these kinds of conversations. That’s why they wrote A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Sex and Dating—to equip you to initiate healthy, honest discussions with your teenager. This book will also help you understand some of the relevant trends and issues in today’s youth culture.

Your role as a parent is to do more than provide your teenager with information about sex and dating. You have the opportunity and the calling to help your child live wisely and honor God in this sometimes tricky, occasionally awkward, and always vital area of life.

parents: get it. youth workers: get it for parents, or tell ’em about it.

parent-5-packand while we’re at it…

this book is the last of the five in the Parent’s Guide series! so The Youth Cartel is now selling the whole set at a $5 discount (a buck a book off!). the whole set inclues:
A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Girls (co-authored with Brooklyn Lindsey)
A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Guys (co-authored with Brock Morgan)
A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Brains (written only by little ol’ me)
A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Social Media (co-authored with Adam McLane)
A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Sex & Dating (co-authored with Joel Mayward)

you can download samples of each book by following the links. or, go here to order the whole set at a discount.

books, family, the youth cartel, youth ministry, youth work

A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Social Media

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i’m really pleased with how the “Parent’s Guide” series i developed for Simply Youth Ministry is unfolding. three of the five titles have released previously:
A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Girls, which i co-authored with brooklyn lindsey
A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Guys, which i co-authored with brock morgan
A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Brains, which i wrote all by my big-boy self

and A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Sex & Dating (co-authored with joel mayward) should release around february 1, i think.

but the fourth book in the series just released, and i think it’s going to be very, very helpful to lots of moms and dads (and, youth workers, frankly). introducing: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Social Media (btw: there’s a free downloadable sample at that link). i co-authored this one with my partner in crime, adam mclane (and let’s be honest: you all know that with this topic, he did the heavy lifting in terms of writing. if i were writing a social media book all by myself, it would probably be called “how to offend people when you think you’re being mysterious online, how to host a twitter feed for facial hair, and how to blog about weird nativities, all to the glory of god, of course.”).

like all the books in this series, it’s very short and to the point. but don’t make the wrong assumption that the content must, therefore, be lightweight. this little baby is much more than “teenagers like to text” and “have you heard of facebook?” really, i learned SO much co-authoring this with adam because the dude knows his stuff. in other words, i think youth workers would benefit from this just as much as parents.

here’s the back cover copy:

With each passing day, teenagers’ lives become increasingly intertwined with social media. How can you as a parent stay informed and involved in healthy ways? How can you help your son or daughter make wise decisions and remain safe online?

A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Social Media will equip you to have meaningful conversations with your teenager about the best, wisest ways to get connected while staying safe.

Your guides for this journey are Mark Oestreicher and Adam McLane, who draw from their own wells of experience as parents and youth workers. They’ll help you chart a course toward discovering and practicing wise family online activity.

check out this nice amazon review that got posted by “tim” yesterday:

As someone in youth ministry who is fairly “connected” with social media, I started the book a bit skeptical of it teaching me anything new but read it to see if it would be good to pass on to the parents of teenagers I know. Not only would I recommend this book to all parents of teenagers, but I found myself learning things I didn’t know before and gaining new insights into the world of social media that not only relate to teens but my online activity as well.

A book about technology and what’s popular runs the risk of getting outdated quickly but the principles in this book can be applied to whatever is popular online at any time.

thoughts/suggestions:

  • if you’re a parent, get a copy (and maybe another copy for a friend)
  • if you’re a youth worker, get a copy for yourself (there are very few youth workers who won’t learn something new in this)
  • or, if you’re a youth worker, consider getting a dozen or two (they’re SUPER cheap), and hosting a conversation with a group of parents in your church.

click here to see more, download the free sample, or order the physical or digital version.

books, family, the youth cartel, youth ministry, youth work

Liesl and Max answers Josh Griffin’s questions about 99 Thoughts on Raising Your Parents

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you probably know already that i wrote a book earlier this year with my two teenage kids, liesl and max. it’s called 99 Thoughts on Raising Your Parents: Living the Sweet Life at Home.

but yesterday on his blog, josh griffin hosted a little Q&A with my kids about the book. i loved their answers, so asked josh if i could post them also.

Q&A about 99 Thoughts on Raising Your Parents
With Liesl Oestreicher and Max Oestreicher

Marko: Liesl and Max really did write these answers, just like they really did write the book with me (they wrote 100% of these answers, and about 70% of the book). Btw: Liesl is 18 – she graduated from HS last spring, and I currently on a gap-year, living in Ireland at the moment, and heading to India in January. Max is 14 (turns 15 in a week), and a freshman in HS.

Josh: OK, first off tell us about YOU!

Max: Drums + ukulele + bacon = Max Oestreicher

Liesl: I’m a dirty hippy, loving trees one hug at a time.

Josh: OK, now … what’s up with your dad’s beard?

Max: I think he should go pro.

Liesl: Babies and old, senile women enjoy grabbing and stroking it. It’s true, I’ve seen both happen.

Josh: The book is awesome – how did it come about?

Max: My dad wanted me and my sister to write a book about how cool he is. At first i refused, and then he told me i’d get paid.

Liesl: I was sitting in a forest, writing my autobiography, when a glowing figure approached me. The figure told me He was God, who had come down in human form to tell me something. He told me that He had peeked at what I was writing and that it was very good, that it even exceeded the work of the great Mark Oestreicher. He then told me that He wanted me to write a book for teenagers, just like me, about how to get along with their parents. And, of course, I gratefully accepted.
I don’t know, maybe I imagined that. Now that I think about it, my dad just sent me an email one day that said my brother and I were going to write a book and we were going to get paid for it.

Josh: What’s one thing that teenagers can do to change the game for the relationship they have with their parents?

Max: When you are getting in an argument/fight/disagreement with your parents, don’t get defensive. Respectfully communicate your point of view, and then listen to their’s.

Liesl: Respect their opinions. If you don’t, how do you expect them to respect yours?
…or you can just move to Ireland, like I did.

Josh: Tell us a story about when your parents screwed up. Make me laugh!

Max: My parent lost me at Disney World when I was three. They let go of my hand and I decided I wanted to go see KIng Louie.

Liesl: Once my mom and I were on a snowmobile on a family vacation. My mom accidentally went too close to a little dip and our snowmobile rolled over sideways. We couldn’t get up on our own, so before he helped us, my dad laughed as he took pictures.

Josh: Who do you love more – mom or dad? What do you value most about them?

Max: I think my mom is just ok, but compare her to my dad and she’s amazing.

Liesl: I would say my mom, but my dad is more likely to see this, so… definitely my dad.

Josh: You have the attention of a TON of youth workers – what would you say to them about their jobs/roles/calling?

Max: I think youth workers should give a lot of opportunities to get involved in a leadership roles as this has been very meaning full to me.

Liesl: It is really encouraging to here your life stories, especially the times when you screwed up. It shows us (teenagers in your youth group) that it is a safe place to admit to our faults when you do the same.

*****************

that’s the end of josh’s interview, but let me add a couple things.

first: one of the creative youth workers in my youth ministry coaching program recently told me about a very cool way she used the book. she took a single copy, cut the spine off (so all the pages were loose), and handed out each section (there are 6 or 7 sections) to a group of teenagers in her group. the groups read their sections, then made a presentation to the whole youth group, highlighting their own takes on a few of the ideas for improving their relationships with their parents.

and, here’s a goofy little video i shot for simply youth ministry when i was at their offices in august!

books, the youth cartel, youth ministry, youth work

A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Brains

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i had a new book release last week, and i’m pretty stoked about it. it’s the third in a series of five pocket-sized books for parents. i co-authored the first two books in the series (A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Girls was co-authored with brooklyn lindsey, and A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Guys was co-authored with brock morgan). adam mclane and i co-authored the fourth book in the series: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Social Media, and we signed off on the interior a week ago (it should release about december 1). the final book, co-authored with joel mayward, is A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Sex & Dating. our deadline for hat manuscript is in a few weeks, and we’re almost done.

but this one — A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Brains — i wrote all by my little self. i’ve been so fascinated by the implications of brain development on faith development for years. but with new findings about teenage brains in the last decade, there’s SO MUCH that’s worth learning about.

this book is great for parents of teenagers, to be sure (that’s the core audience). but i really think youth workers of any sort would greatly benefit from reading it. it’s super inexpensive, and very quick to read (it’s only about 12,000 words or so). you can get it on The Youth Cartel store (or wherever you buy books!). you can even download a sample on The Youth Cartel store.

here’s the back cover copy:

It’s often tough to understand why teenagers do what they do. One moment they’re calm and rational, but the next they’re agitated and emotional. One day they’re making incredibly wise choices, but the next they’re making disastrous mistakes. Yesterday they earned your trust, but today it seems they’ve lost it once again.

Why such inconsistency? Credit their brains.

A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Brains is filled with helpful, practical insights from veteran youth worker Mark Oestreicher.

Without an understanding of teenage brain development, we might miss life’s teachable moments or shut down our child’s curiosity with easy answers that don’t satisfy the search for truth happening below the surface.

That’s why Marko has written this book: to guide you through the world of the teenage brain, to help you understand and appreciate the amazing transformations it undergoes in adolescence to prepare children for adulthood and its many responsibilities.

books, the youth cartel, youth ministry, youth work

two new books for parents

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well, here’s some fun news. i had a couple new books release last week while i was on vacation. a fun box of ’em was waiting for me when i got home! they’re the first two books in a series of five. each one is short and easy-to-read (but still packed with helpful info and ideas), written for parents of teenagers. they’re intentionally small and short for a couple reasons: first, i wanted to create something that any parent could/would read; and second, i wanted them to be super-inexpensive. simply youth ministry was great with that vision, and these babies are exactly what i’d hoped they could be.

there are three more books in the series somewhere in development. each will release in the next six months or so (the remaining three are on “teenage brains,” “social media,” and “sex and dating”).

i co-authored these first two, and was super pleased with the work of brock morgan and brooklyn lindsey, two youth ministry friends of mine with whom i have great history and trust, and in whom i have great respect.

both books are available in print and download versions on The Youth Cartel store (follow the links below), or on amazon or the simply site or any other place you might buy books.

A Parent's Guide to Understanding Teenage Girls

A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Girls by Marko & Brooklyn Lindsey – $6.99

Change is an inevitable part of life. So why are most of us parents shocked and surprised when our daughters change in unexpected, dramatic, significant ways once they hit the teen years? Girls go through their most dramatic developmental changes during adolescence. And they need parents to be there, just as present and involved as when our little girls were, well, still little girls!

As you read through the pages of A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Girls, veteran youth workers Brooklyn Lindsey and Mark Oestreicher will help you re-examine some assumptions and misunderstandings about this season of life. Then, from a place of trust in God, you will gain a fresh perspective on who your daughter is and who she’s becoming.

This book explores the major changes of adolescence, the influence of parents and friends, the onslaught of feelings and how to respond, and the significance of celebrating milestones in a girl’s life.

A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Girls will offer wisdom, insight, and encouragement to respond well, react wisely, and engage effectively. This book is also an ideal resource to prepare you and your daughter for the impending season of change and transformation, if you aren’t there quite yet.

Print version

Digital version

A Parent's Guide to Understanding Teenage GuysA Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Guys by Marko & Brock Morgan

“Brock and Marko have written a comprehensive, practical, and truly helpful book on the complicated struggle that our boys experience on their way to becoming the men God wants them to be. As a mother of one of these exasperating, wonderful creatures (whom I adore in spite of both of us) I highly recommend it.”—Katie Lee Gifford

God wants to do amazing things in your son’s life—and wants you to play an integral role in that adventure. Raising a son to become a God-honoring man is no easy task. It’s complex, it’s dynamic, and it requires a lifetime of investment. But authors Brock Morgan and Mark Oestreicher know it can be done—confidence that’s rooted in their individual journey of faith and in their experience as longtime youth workers.

A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Guys will help you discover insights on shepherding your son, preparing him to take the reins of his life, and helping him confront the extreme struggles every guy faces—such as loneliness, anger, lust, apathy, and technology. They can pursue a life that challenges the values of our culture and experience a life lived for God.

This book will enlighten, encourage, and equip you as a parent. And if you’re a youth worker, you’ll want to put this book into the hands of parents of the young men in your ministry as you walk alongside them.

Print version

Digital version

(did you see that? we got an endorsement from kathie lee gifford! for reals!)

family, personal, youth ministry, youth work

launching my daughter (the goal of parenting a teenager)

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ok, youthworker.
ok, parent.

riddle me this: what’s the goal of parenting a teenager?

my own answer to this has morphed a bit over the years, particularly in the years since my own children have been teenagers.

i was never in these camps, however:

  • the goal of parenting teenagers is to create contributing members of society.
  • the goal of parenting teenagers is to create nice, compliant, church members.
  • the goal of parenting teenagers is that they would be adults who earn lots of money.

i wasn’t even in this camp:

  • the goal of parenting teenagers is that they would be adults who are happy.

that one, however, is more seductive than the prior three, since i do want my kids to be happy (it’s just not my ultimate goal).

for a bunch of years, i held to this one:

  • the goal of parenting teenagers is to create radical followers of jesus.

or something like that. to a youth worker’s ear, that sounds pretty good, huh? but to be honest, i think that was more about me than it was about my kids — i wanted to be that dad whose kids changed the world, man. yeah!

as if i could “create” that! pul-eeze. who did i think i was? (hint: rhymes with “freeze us”)

but today, my “goal of parenting teenagers” could be summed up with this little video:

in other words:

  • the goal of parenting teenagers is to effectively launch them into adulthood!

my thinking is: our pervasive cultural “failure to launch” has very little to do with what teenagers and young adults want, or are capable of. most would prefer to be adults, if we (“we” both refers to our culture at large, and our dominant fear-based approach to parenting) would release them from the dry-docks.

liesl, my oldest, the apple of my eye, my baby, the daughter i love more than just about anything or anyone else in the entire known or unknown universe, has launched. a few weeks ago, she graduated from high school. the next day, she headed off to a camp where she’ll be full-time staff for the entire summer. she’ll be home for a few weeks at the end of the summer; then she and a friend head off to england, scotland, and india, for 9 months of volunteering, adventure, growing up, and risk-taking. yup: risk-taking. i know this next year will be a 12-month version of those boat-sideways/almost-tipping-over/first few seconds of ship-launching. i know she’ll try things i’d rather not know about. i know she’ll stub her toe (certainly metaphorically). she’ll make great choices and lousy choices and reap the rewards and consequences of them all.

am i nervous about my little girl launching? am i nervous about what might happen on the other side of the world? absolutely. 100 percent. i’m sure i’ll have some nights over the next year when it’ll be tough to get to sleep, when my fears get the best of me.

but she’s ready. she’s certainly not perfect — just like her parents on that one. but she’s aware of the connection between consequences and choices; and — for an 18-year old — she has a fairly clear understanding of who she is and what she values. i don’t always agree with her choices, to be sure. but they’re her choices.

it’s very strange, knowing that my job as a dad is basically done. sure, i’m going to help pay for college over the years to come. and i hope to be both a support and a sounding board. but these days, most of that is via ship-to-shore radio, rather than tinkering in the shipyard.

i love you, liesl, and i’m really proud of you. travel well, be yourself, and bring grace to those around you.