most people have heard that the fine people of butterball offer a toll-free number dolling out turkey advice. here, in honor of this grand day, and the turkey i will masterfully carve for the 12 adults and 3 little ones who will feast in our home today, are some of the actual questions and responses from that help line:

* Should I remove the plastic wrap before I cook my turkey?
Yes.

* I don’t want to touch the giblets. Can I fish them out with a coat hanger?
Yes.

* Can I poke holes all over the turkey and pour a can of beer over it to keep it moist?
You’ll do more harm than good- the skin keeps the moisture in. Poking holes in it will dry it out.

* Can you thaw a frozen turkey using an electric hair dryer? Or by wrapping it in an electric blanket? In the aquarium with my tropical fish? In the tub while the kids are having their bath?
No, no, no, and no. If you’re in a hurry, thaw the turkey in the kitchen sink by immersing it in cold water. Allow half an hour per pound, and change the water every half hour.

* How can I thaw 12 turkeys all at once?
The caller was cooking for a firehouse, so Butterball advised them to put them all in a clean trash can and hose them down with a firehose.

* The family dog bit off a big piece of the turkey. Can the rest of it be saved?
Maybe. If the damage is localized, cut away the dog-eaten part of the bird and serve the rest. Disguise the maimed bird with garnishes, or carve it up out of view of your guests and serve the slices. The less your guests know, the better.

* The family dog is inside the turkey and can’t get out.
A few years back, Butterball really did get a call from the owner of a chihuahua that climbed inside the raw bird while the owner’s back was turned. The opening was big enough for the dog to get in, but not big enough for it to get back out. The turkey expert instructed the owner on how to enlarge the opening without injuring the dog. (No word on whether the bird was eaten.) Butterball has also fielded calls from owners of gerbils and housecats. “I was told not to talk about that,” one Talk-line staffer told a reporter in 1997.

* I need to drive two hours with my frozen turkey before I cook it. Will it stay frozen if I tie it to the luggage rack on the roof of my car?
The caller was from Minnesota, so the answer was yes. If you live in Florida, Arizona, or Hawaii, the answer is no.

* I’m a truck driver. Can I cook the turkey on the engine block of my semi while I’m driving? If I drive faster, will it cook faster?
There’ve been cases in wartime where soldiers cooked turkeys using the heat of Jeep engines, but Butterball gives no advice on the subject.

* I scrubbed my raw turkey with a toothbrush dipped in bleach for three hours. Is that enough to kill the harmful bacteria?
The heat of the oven is what kills the bacteria; scrubbing the turkey with bleach makes it inedible. (In extreme cases like these, or anytime the Talk-line staffers fear the bird has become unsafe to eat, they advise the cook to discard the bird, eat out, and try again next year. If the caller can’t imagine Thanksgiving without turkey, they can get some turkey hot dogs.)

* I don’t want to cook the whole turkey, so I cut it in half with a chainsaw. How do I get the chainsaw oil out of the turkey?
Toss the turkey and go get some hot dogs.

* The turkey in my freezer is 23 years old. Is it safe to eat?
Butterball advised the caller that the bird was safe to eat, but that it probably wouldn’t taste very good. “That’s what we thought,” the caller told the Talk-line. “We’ll give it to the church.”
[marko comment: this response is just classic!]

MORE QUESTIONS FOR THE TALK-LINE

* How long does it take to thaw a fresh turkey?

* How long does it take to cook a turkey if I leave the oven door open the whole time? That’s how my mom always did it.

* Does the turkey go in the oven feet first or head first?

* Can I baste my turkey with suntan lotion?

* When does turkey hunting season start?

* How do I prepare a turkey for vegetarians?

(from ‘the best of uncle john’s bathroom reader‘, via neatorama)